His lack of desire leaves me feeling ugly and unwanted

My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have always got on brilliantly – we share the same sense of humour and interests, we’re supportive of one another and we’re on the same page as parents. We very rarely argue over anything.

However, I feel so sad about the lack of physical affection in my marriage, not to mention the sex drought.

He’s never really been that into sex, although when we first got together we did do it regularly, and even though it was never particularly adventurous, it was still good.

He never thinks of hugging me and he never initiates sex. I’m always the tactile one, but I’ve given up trying to get things going in the bedroom.

We did have a big heart-to-heart about sex recently and I admitted that the lack of it made me feel unattractive and sad. I think this hurt him, but he just said he never really thinks about it as we’ve been together so long, and that we’ve fallen into a habit of not making the effort to have sex.

I think this is true, but I think that’s down to him – he stopped trying and eventually so did I.

I’d love your advice.

Coleen says

I think when you haven’t had sex in a while it can feel really awkward to initiate it, so you don’t and then the cycle just continues. I believe the more you do it, the more you want it and the more natural it is.

In any long-term relationship you have to make the effort to keep things going, so your husband is right about that. I don’t think it’s impossible to get your sex life back on track if you’re both prepared to put in the effort and if it’s what you both want.

In every other respect, you seem to have a great relationship.

But I think it has to start outside the bedroom, so talk about what you can do to reconnect – flirty texts, a hug or a kiss for no reason, a compliment about how you look, a night off from the kids.

These small gestures go a long way to rebuilding intimacy and desire so the prospect of sex is far less awkward.

It might be worth him seeing his GP to check there’s no physical reason for his lack of libido.

There’s also the option of seeing a psychosexual counsellor who can give the pair of you “homework” to do between sessions.

Just like we remember when man landed on the moon, or when JFK was shot, or The Beatles split up, I hope I never forget the day The Dark Lord announced she’s putting a band together.

She came in from school carrying her acoustic guitar on her back where her school bag should be, and told me excitedly: “I’m starting a band with Chloe and the girls.”

“That’s lovely, darling,” I said, while alarm bells went off in my head. “Although don’t you think you might still be a bit young for all that sex, drugs and rock and roll stuff yet?” I added, peering at her over my specs that I like to think make me look wise, but actually just make me look like my dad.

“You old people invented that stuff,” she tutted at me. “We’re more into feelings and emotion and…”

“And angst?” I interrupted. “You weren’t the first generation to discover angst, you know. Nobody was more miserable than The Smiths back in the 80s, and Alanis Morissette used to wail about things being ironic in the 90s, ironically when they weren’t particularly ironic,” I said, following her around, picking up her dropped items and sniffing the air trying to work out the last time she showered.

Then something occurred to me. “I didn’t know Chloe could play any instruments.”

“None of them can, although Ava is learning clarinet now. I’m going to teach them all. What’s for tea?” she said, looking hopefully in the fridge for snacks.

“Fish,” I answered. “And you may have your work cut out with Chloe, I remember her mum saying she’d have trouble tuning a triangle.”

The Dark Lord laughed and admitted: “True, I may have to make her the roadie, or she can do our gig posters.

“Fish as in fish fish, or fish in breadcrumbs?” “Fish heavily disguised in breadcrumbs,” I replied.

Turns out the first gig is planned for Halloween, and I’ve been giving them ideas for names.

“Satan’s Minions?” I offered, although I’m not sure it’ll make them very popular on the Christmas party circuit.

Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.