10 ways to dodge regal grovel-fest
MEDIEVAL-style compulsory celebration for a privileged hereditary monarch milking the system over 70 years is a tricky time for us republicans.
So here’s my top 10 tips to survive the platinum gush.
1 Organise a knees-up with family and mates who won’t bend the knee to the bunting brigade. Toast democracy, decency and Oliver Cromwell.
2 Tell the plastic patriots you will organise the street party, organise the tables and book the street permit. Then do nothing about it, apologising on the day and blaming suppliers.
3 Close the curtains, lock the doors and stay inside for the entire long weekend. Think of all those TV programmes you want to catch up with and books to read.
4 Wear a Prince Andrew mask. The favourite son the Queen wants to keep off the balcony is also the one they don’t like to talk about. Risky tactic to look like the £12m sex case man. Might need to take a punch for the cause.
5 Grab a table in a boozer without a TV but with a landlord who thinks they are all a bunch of chancers. Alas my local’s called the Royal Oak so I’ll give it a miss along with the Queen’s Head, King’s Arms, Duke of York and Crown.
6 Pitching a tent in the Lakes, Brecon Beacons or Highlands would escape the throng. One extra bit of advice: pack sun block. I was painfully burned in the Peak District on a hot day avoiding Charles and Diana’s 1981 wedding.
7 Drown out the national dirge with the other God Save the Queen, by the Sex Pistols. Let them listen to us rebellious people for a change.
8 Turn off the electricity so you’re not tempted to torture yourself with sickening flattery on TV and radio. You’d save a few quid too when energy bills are rocketing.
9 What a good time to holiday in a nice republic like France or most Commonwealth countries as only 14 of the other 53 recognise her as head of state.
10 Fix a rictus grin, enjoy a beer during extended pub opening and pretend you don’t really care. Passive resistance by refusing to join in on their terms is the easiest option.