We’ve hit another bad patch and I don’t know what to do

Dear Coleen

A few months ago, my husband and I hit a very bad patch in our marriage. He got too close to a woman at work (nothing actually happened, but it could have done).

We were struggling financially and there was also a lot of stress around our kids, which is ongoing.

However, when I found out about this close friendship at his work, it brought things to a head. I screamed at him and didn’t talk to him for a couple of days, but then we talked a lot, got stuff out in the open and it was a bit of a turning point.

For a while, things were better than they had been, but now we have reverted back to our bad habits.

We’ve stopped talking about our relationship and we’re not making any plans. We’re back in a rut and I don’t know how to get out of it.

Is this the end? It makes me so sad when I look back at photos of us all happy together, but I think I’m so worn down, I don’t have the energy to try to sort it out.

I’d love your opinion.

“It makes me sad when I look back at happy photos

Coleen says

First of all, the past couple of years have put a lot of stress on couple relationships – mentally, emotionally and financially. So I think it’ll help to acknowledge that and also to accept that it might take time to build back.

If you still love each other, I don’t think it’s the end, but you will have to dig deep and make a concerted and ongoing effort to reconnect as a couple.

I think the problem has been that you’ve stopped communicating – you talked it out after you found out about his friendship with this other woman, things were better for a while, but then you found yourselves back at square one.

The conversation needs to be ongoing – checking in with each other regularly, asking how the other is feeling about specific challenges, acting like a team and supporting each other.

This is one of the reasons counselling is great because you commit to being at that weekly session and that’s your opportunity to talk. So if you’re stuck, I’d recommend giving counselling a go.

I think it does help to look back at photos and talk about happy experiences because it reminds you of what you’ve built together and what you stand to lose.

And it works to reignite romance too by reminding you why you love each other and making you want to recapture that feeling. Good luck.