We’re at loggerheads over how to parent our children
Dear Coleen
My husband and I have two sons aged nine and 11 and we argue constantly over our parenting styles.
My husband is very black and white about most things and thinks the boys should have a rigid structure when it comes to homework, downtime and bedtime, whereas I’m more relaxed.
He thinks I’m too relaxed and I let them get away with murder, but I think it’s important to have a balance between chores and schoolwork and having time to play or wind down.
It’s causing stress at home, as my husband will often come back from work and demand the kids stop playing a computer game or tidy up. Things go from relaxed and happy to the kids crying and complaining, and me shouting at my husband for ruining a nice afternoon.
It annoys me he thinks he knows what’s best when I’m the one collecting them from school and spending all the afternoons with them. I’m the one who helps with homework and all the other school stuff, which he has nothing to do with.
He’s become so miserable and he’s also unrealistic – he expects the kids to be super-organised like him when they’re still at primary school. Any tips?
Coleen says
I remember saying to both my ex-husbands that I had no idea what we argued about until the kids came along. Different attitudes to parenting is a big trigger for arguments within couples.
My ex-hubby Ray and I had very different parenting styles – he was much stricter than I was – but sometimes he was right and I was wrong, and sometimes I got it right.
I think the important thing to do is to stop arguing about it in front of the kids. It’s important to present a united front, so have the discussions away from them and decide how you’re going to approach a certain issue – whether it’s homework or time on the iPad – and talk to the kids together.
And if you try things your way and it doesn’t work, then give your husband’s ideas a go.
Parenting isn’t a science and different kids respond to different approaches, but I think you’ll find if you can appreciate your different views and move a little towards each other’s position, then things will improve.
As with most things, it’s about balance, compromise and a bit of give and take. Stop being so rigid in your attitudes and work together.