Paranoid new partner is a love rat like daughter’s dad
Dear Coleen
I’m in my early 30s and I’ve been dating my partner for a nearly a year. He’s fantastic with my four-year-old daughter, who I had with my ex, and is just an all-round great guy.
My relationship history is a complicated mess – I’ve been cheated on by pretty much every guy I’ve dated, including my daughter’s father. That was devastating because we’d been together for years and I thought we’d be with each other for ever.
My problem is, although my new partner is wonderful, I find myself getting insanely jealous over the smallest things. I’m suspicious when he goes out without me and I’m aware that I interrogate him about who he’s been with when he comes back home!
Sometimes it spills over into a blazing argument – always my fault – and I end up storming off in floods of tears and then apologising afterwards.
I know this behaviour is difficult to put up with and although my boyfriend has never threatened to leave, I wouldn’t blame him if he did!
I can’t get out of this negative cycle, but I don’t want to lose him.
Coleen says
Look, it’s difficult when you’ve been hurt by previous partners, but I think you should put your energy into yourself and rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem.
Your boyfriend has given you no reason to think he’ll cheat on you. In all honesty, if he’s the type of person to cheat, then there’s very little you can do to change that, which is why it’s important to concentrate on feeling stronger in yourself.
Not every guy is a cheat! And if you treat every boyfriend as a potential love rat, then you will never be happy in a relationship.
All you will do is drive yourself nuts and drive your partner away.
I’ve been cheated on several times in the past, so I understand how you feel, but I actually took strength from it and it made me more determined to find someone to be happy with.
Constantly questioning your boyfriend will wear thin. Instead, explain how you’re feeling in a calm way, and discuss how you can deal with it. But don’t turn everything he does into an excuse for a fight.
Let yourself be happy and allow the relationship to move forward.