Scared of telling my kids I want new man to stay

Until I met my current partner, I’d been a single mum for a really long time. I have two children – a boy aged 12 and a girl, who’s 10 – and they see their dad regularly, and things are OK between me and my ex.

My problem is, I’m finally dating a fantastic guy – we’ve been seeing each other for several months, he’s met the kids lots of times and they love him. He stays over at mine when the kids are with their dad or sometimes I’ll go to his.

But I’d love him to be able to stay when the kids are here, as the relationship is heading in a direction where moving in together is the next step.

But every time I think about talking to the children and explaining it to them, I chicken out. I feel embarrassed somehow, plus I also know it’s taking things to another level and it makes the relationship serious. I’ve never had a man sleep over when they’re here, so it is a big deal for them.

Am I making too much of this? I’d love some advice from someone who’s been there!

Coleen says

Are you sure it’s a big deal for them or are you the one who’s a bit scared because taking this next step is making the relationship real?

Maybe it’s you who isn’t ready and not the kids.

OK, the signs are good – your kids love your partner and they all get on, so maybe the thing to do is not make a big deal of it. If he comes for dinner one night and he’s there the next morning at breakfast, just say:

“Oh, yeah, he stayed last night – hope you’re OK with that”.

Obviously, make sure you get up before the kids! Or if he comes over one evening, just mention to them he’ll probably stay the night and that you hope they’re OK with it.

In terms of your situation, it feels like a natural progression – it’s not like you’ve just met and they don’t know him, in which case I’d be advising against it. If your children have questions, then just answer them honestly, keeping it age appropriate. Also, you don’t have to have sex the first time he stays if you feel uncomfortable.

Sometimes if you have “the big talk”, it can put pressure on kids because they feel they have to react or it must mean something else, so don’t overthink it.

If your relationship is good, everyone is happy and you’re considering moving in, you have to tackle it at some point.

“I have never had a man sleep over when they are here