Tempted to have another baby with my dependable ex

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman aged 31 and I had a baby 18 months ago with my ex. We had been friends for years, but we only dated properly for a few weeks before splitting up, and then I discovered I was pregnant.

We decided to go ahead with having the baby and support each other, but we wouldn’t be together romantically.

He’s still single, as am I, and I think he would like to be more than friends and co-parents. But I realised when we were together that I just didn’t fancy him enough, even though I love him as a person.

My dilemma is, I’d like to have another baby and complete my family before I go back to working full time, but I don’t have a partner or the time to find one!

I’ve been thinking about asking my ex if he’s keen on the idea of having a brother or sister for our daughter and we could carry on the way we are, but just with another child in the mix.

I mentioned the idea to a couple of mates and their reaction surprised me – they were really against it and seemed to think it would hold me back in terms of meeting a partner.

I haven’t mentioned the idea to my ex yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be keen. He’s a wonderful dad, I literally can’t fault him, and his family is supportive, too.

What do you think?

Coleen says

I think you’d have to make it crystal clear from the off that romance is not on the cards now or in the future. But will he believe you or will he keep hoping that you’ll be a couple again at some point?

I do worry for him a little, whereas you seem to have a pretty pragmatic attitude. There’s nothing else in this for you apart from friendship and co-parenting, but it might be harder for your ex if he wants more.

Imagine you do start dating someone special – how will your ex take it? Will he be heartbroken or jealous? Will it affect your friendship?

I know you’re not responsible for him, but I really do think the situation needs talking through a lot. You need to work through the pros and cons – it’s great to have a sibling for your daughter and wonderful for your families, but what impact will another child have on your lives?

It sounds like your daughter wasn’t planned, but this baby would be a choice, so you need to think it through before taking the leap.

You talk about “completing” your family, like you want to tie it up with a bow, tick a box and move on. But what if you fall in love with someone and he wants to have children?

I think what your friends are getting at is you need to start creating a life away from your ex and you have to give yourself the best chance to do that.

“I don’t fancy him but I love him as a person