Let’s do this together

Imagine spending your entire archeological career looking for the wisdom of the ancients, and then you unearth the find of your life – a 3,700-year-old engraved ivory comb.

You excitedly decipher the first known written sentence carved by man on the comb, hoping for deep religious or philosophical meaning.

And what do you get?

Some frustrated parent from four millennia ago moaning about nits.

This discovery could mean the first plagues and pestilence on the lands of the ancients wasn’t locusts or frogs – but nits. I can totally relate.

It also turns out that the Canaanites knew the truth about nits long before us – that no amount of anti-nit shampoo will remove the sticky little pests, just a lot of elbow grease.

These are the people who invented the alphabet, not just for the teachings of the gods or laws, but to give instructions on how to get rid of nits. The scratchings in the well-used ivory comb say: “May this tusk root out the lice of the hair and the beard.”

I assume they’re not talking about kids’ beards here because as we know, nits is a whole family problem. You know how it is, the kid gets nits in parchment reading class, and then comes home and gives them to everyone in the stone house.

I narrowly avoided getting nits from The Dark Lordette, but every time she came home from school with them, I would still spend weeks scratching my head in sympathy.

It would feel like a plague on our house because I’d have to spend every night sitting on the edge of the bath, laboriously combing through her thick, curly hair, checking for nits until the water got cold, or my back gave in.

And nothing kills nits – 4,000 years have passed since someone carved that nit comb and we still haven’t found a way to wipe out the little buggers.

The only way to destroy them is to plaster the head with conditioner, then comb through the hair, lock by lock, wiping the comb’s contents on to loo paper to find the black spots. Every single night for weeks. And then just as you’ve cleared all the eggs and stopped new life-cycles, a new outbreak in early learning class wipes out your entire Easter.

If this information helps anyone before they sign up for parenthood, all I can say is – read those terms and conditions carefully. Nits are biblical.

■ Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.

Please note, if you send us photos of your grandchildren, we’ll also need permission of one of their parents to print them... Thanks!