It’s hard to move on when my ex is here all the time
I’m a woman in my forties and quite newly divorced from my husband of 15 years. It was a pretty amicable separation – we have two kids together, so decided early on that we’d put their wellbeing first and, so far, it’s been OK.
Since we separated he admitted to me that he was going through a midlife crisis, which led to him making some bad decisions in terms of our relationship.
He realises now he was a nightmare to live with and wants to do everything he can for the family.
He also says he still loves me and he’s more considerate now than he ever was when we were still together.
However, I’m struggling with him being around so much – calling, texting, showing up on the doorstep. I’ve moved on emotionally and now want to move on with my life properly.
I don’t want to be difficult, especially with the kids in mind, but how do I get across to him that he doesn’t have to feel responsible for me and that it’s over?
I don’t want him getting any ideas of a reconciliation. I still love him as a friend and my children’s father, but that’s it.
Coleen says
I’m all for things being amicable and friendly with an ex, especially when kids are involved, but I think it’s too soon to be friends and hang out together. You both need a bit of time and space to create a new life without the other in it.
Be direct and explain that for now, while you’re adjusting to this new life, you need to keep communication to arrangements for the kids.
When I divorced my first husband we carried on for a while as if we weren’t divorced and still chatted to each other a lot, but it began to impact my new relationship so I had to have a conversation.
Because you’re so familiar with each other it can be hard to break that comfortable habit, but it’s all part of moving on. It’s good to have some boundaries.
Also, think about the kids – if the two of you are with each other all the time, it might give them false hope that you’ll get back together. There has to be a tangible separation. So, explain that while you do want to be friends in the future, right now you have to focus on rebuilding your life – and he should do the same.
He’s always calling me and shows up at my door