I tried to help my daughter’s friend and it’s backfired

Dear Coleen

“Her mother knocked on my door and went crazy

My daughter, who’s 14, has a best friend whose parents are going through a messy divorce and they’re still living together.

This girl has been coming round after school for tea and having sleepovers, too. I think she wants a safe sanctuary to get away from the arguments at home and I’m happy to have her – she’s a lovely girl.

My problem is, last week her mother knocked on my door and went crazy at me, telling me her marriage is none of my business and she’s perfectly able to look after her own daughter.

I was gobsmacked and have no idea what I’ve done wrong or how I’ve interfered in her marriage problems. I’ve never said anything to her daughter that’s crossed a line, although I have talked to her when she’s wanted advice – she clearly needs someone to offload on.

Her mum is now saying she doesn’t want her daughter coming over again, which is so sad and unnecessary.

My daughter is upset and so is her friend.

I don’t particularly want another showdown with the mother, but I think she’s got it all wrong. Any ideas on what I should do?

Coleen says

Well, I agree, I think her mother has got it wrong. Maybe her daughter has said something like: “Why can’t you be more like her mum and dad?” Something as simple as that might have lit the touchpaper. It’s hard for any mum to hear these things, especially if you’re going through a tough time.

The bottom line is, this girl is only 14, so you have no control over the situation, but it’s a shame this woman doesn’t realise the damage she’s doing by preventing her daughter from having this happy space to retreat to.

But remind your daughter they’re still at school together and they can connect on the phone and via social media. If you don’t want a face-to-face with the mum, you could drop her a note, reassuring her that you’re not interfering, but if she needs respite then her daughter is welcome to come over just to spend time with your daughter.

I think she’s lashing out because she’s unhappy and stressed, and perhaps worried she’s losing her daughter, as well as her marriage. She might even be a bit jealous because she sees you being great while she feels like she’s doing a bad job. But she’s not taking into account what it’s doing to her daughter.