Pal’s still running round after lazy husband she left

Dear Coleen

I’m getting increasingly frustrated with my best friend who finally split from her husband a few months ago after a miserable marriage.

For years she complained he was too dependent on her and she did everything for him.

He was in and out of work, so she was the main breadwinner, looking after their kids too.

None of her friends could understand why she put up with it – she’s an attractive, charismatic person.

The problem now is she’s still running after him, bailing him out, listening to his problems and even taking round food and doing his laundry.

I don’t know what she expects me to say about all of this – I’m out of ideas. I want to wake her up and give her some cold, hard truths, but I’m afraid it’ll damage our friendship.

I know he’s the father of her kids, so she has to have some contact with him, but I don’t see how things will change for her or him if she keeps enabling his needy behaviour.

My friends and I are thinking of staging an intervention and telling her what we think – what’s your opinion?

Coleen says

If she’s still moaning about having to do all these things for him, it’s your chance to suggest she stops pandering to him and lets him get on with it. But if she’s not complaining, I’m afraid it’s her choice.

Sometimes when a marriage ends it’s hard to break those ties and all the habits.

The marriage might not have worked out, but the friendship is still there and memories of the good times.

I think the chances are co-dependency will stop if she (or he) meets someone else.

While she’s relieved to be out of the marriage, maybe she wants to make sure he’s OK and thinks it’ll just take a bit of time to move away from each other.

There might even be a part of her that still wants to feel needed and it’s helping them both through the separation. The truth is, we don’t know the ins and outs of other people’s relationships.

If any of my exes called and needed my help, I’d be there for them, even though they’re not a part of my life now.

I think it’s very easy to judge a situation when you’re on the outside, so while I understand your frustration because you’ve listened to her complaining about him over the years, you just have to let her get on with doing her own thing.

This “intervention” may make her feel people are ganging up on her. It’s not worth risking your friendship.

“Things won’t change if she keeps on enabling him