IT’S MASEL
Trip to the Toon sends our favourite wrestler into a bit of a hissy fit...
ICW will be making history again this weekend. For the first time ever, this Sunday’s event from the O2 ABC in Glasgow, will be broadcast Live on iPPV all over the world. When I was last in America I did adverts to the promote the show, which will air at 2.30pm over there. The world will be watching!
A LOT of my friends have been telling me recently that I can get quite crabbit.
Apparently I’m “snappy” and my face is always tripping me. How dare they?
I’ve never really noticed it myself. Then I realised, who wouldn’t be crabbit after the day I had on Wednesday?
I couldn’t have been more crabbit if I was standing in a mobbed taxi rank queue at 4am in the peeing rain next to Rylan Clark swinging aboot his chips and cheese and singing Enya.
It was like a day out of an episode of Mr Bean.
The night before I was dug sitting. Me and my maw have shared custody over our twoyear-old Lhasa apso, Cooper.
She asked me to take him for two days as her and my faither were going to Newcastle for the night. But I told her I couldn’t as I was going to Newcastle to wrestle for two nights.
I tried to start the day off with a good nutritious breakfast but low and behold, once I poured oot my Coco Pops, and I went to the fridge, there was nae milk.
I tried to see the bright side as I think I might be lactose intolerant anyway. Cereal has been going right through me.
I realised I was running a bit late and quickly flung my leotards in my suitcase, gubbed my hay fever tablets and headed for the motor.
Just as I flicked through my emails on my phone to find a postcode of where I was wrestling, I noticed I had an email about car insurance.
I usually dingy those kind of me emails but it’s good thing I read this one as it told me my car insurance had been cancelled.
Apparently I hadn’t sent my proof of no claims through in time and they terminated the contract.
So I went back into the house up to my computer to rake through Go Compare for a new car insurance policy, I felt like putting my fist through the screen.
With my car now legal to drive I started the engine to see I had five miles of diesel left. Why did I not fill up the night before?
Luckily I’m only around the corner from a garage but, as I pulled in into the forecourt with only a sliver of fuel left, there were poly bags wrapped around every one of the diesel pumps.
Nae diesel left, so I had to risk another journey up to Morrisons petrol station.
By this point my blood was boiling. I managed to just make it without the motor conking oot but when I returned to my car after paying for my fuel there was a line of motors waiting to get in. I fiddled about trying to get my car keys and realised I couldn’t find them.
The guy in the motor behind me peeped his horn to hurry me up. I could have rattled my petrol station piece ’n’ cheese ploughmans aff his windscreen.
My keys were in the front of my jumper and I was at melting point. I wanted to go hame. I soon settled into the drive to Newcastle but, once we got to around Carlisle, I noticed that I was absolutely knackered, bushed.
My eyes were stinging from the tiredness but I also noticed I couldn’t stop sneezing.
I rummaged through my fanny bag to check the date on my hay fever pills and nearly lost the plot. They weren’t hay fever tablets, they were sleeping pills.
I had popped two sleepeaze from Boots that I had got for flying to America last month. No wonder I was dozing aff.
I felt like an absolute dafty and was choking to pull over for a wee 40 winker but had to keep going to make the show.
I had a large cup of coffee which was as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
I got a right hiding in my wrestling match as all I could think about was my bed. What else could go wrong?
I came out to the crowd after my bout and thought: “Aw naw, here we go”.
To my surprise my mum was standing at my merchandise table absolutely steaming doing her best impression of a Sunday market fish seller try to flog my T-shirts, whilst my old man stood next to her like he worked for Rock Steady security.
I thought, “This is a brass neck” until I got to the table and realised she had sold enough Grado bunnets to pay for my new car insurance policy.
I told them cheers and my faither had the cheek to ask: “How was the road down?”
Well….