Guys should have kept their eyes on the prize
NEW measures have come into force for drivers caught talking on their mobiles.
The punishment is that you’ll be forced to go hands-free. Which doesn’t sound too harsh. Until you realise it’s the Saudi Arabian polis’s definition of hands-free. EYE jokes? I’ve seen them all. Well, after I squinted a bit.
Man goes to the optician, who asks him if his eyes have ever been checked. The man replies: “Naw, they’ve always been brown.”
Why don’t blind people skydive? It scares the dug. I could go on. Basically, I’ve worn glasses since primary school. I don’t know exactly why my eyesight started going then but I blame the opening titles of Baywatch.
Anyway, this week it was all change. I got my eyes zapped with a laser.
Cheers to the crew at the opticians for looking after me. The alternative was my pal Davie and the welding kit in his garage.
In and out in a matter of seconds and didnae feel a thing.
Words that describe both the laser surgery and most of my early encounters with women.
I’d heartily recommend it to anyone – and to Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway as a matter of urgency.
Did you see their gaffe at the Oscars? Pity they didn’t.
Faye read out the wrong name as winner of Best Film.
It was all down to the wrong thing being in an envelope at an awards do.
Naturally, most would have been expecting cash.
In actual fact, a famous old institution suffered their most difficult moment thanks to two accountants. It’s like Duff & Phelps all over again.
The firm in question won’t be back in that job again, though may still appear at next year’s ceremony – as part of the “In Memoriam” section.
Apparently, the organisers are scared to name the individual responsible. Presumably because they’ll end up announcing the wrong name.
There was also shock at the Best Supporting Actress result.
No one can believe it didn’t go to Melania Trump for her incredible performance pretending to enjoy that marriage.
Of course, Donald Trump supporters boycotted the Oscars.
To be fair, most Trump fans wouldn’t watch a show centred around a small, dumb, gold-coloured figure. Well, unless it’s reruns of The Apprentice.
But let’s end on a high and a big well done to Mahershala Ali, who became the first Muslim actor to win an Academy Award.
Everyone there celebrated his amazing achievement. Not the fact he won – the fact he was allowed into the US to pick it up.
So between Oscars and lasers I’ve not been able to believe my eyes this week.
That should cue up one last naff optician joke but I honestly can’t think of anything cornea. Eye right. ● A LONDON theatre have asked audiences not to eat during performances of their latest show, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf ?
Mercifully, this plea replaces the current way of encouraging people not to eat in theatres – charging 18 quid for an ice cream.