It’s tattoo late for me to take moral high ground
OH TO be a heavily inked fly on the wall when 18-year-old Brooklyn Beckham came home with his first tattoo last week. Whether Maw and Paw Becks approved or not, they had two choices – smile and nod or read up on the latest advice from the Handbook of Parental Hypocrisy. And, oh, how I’m feeling their pain. The Low offspring are now 15 and 16 and, as they transition, from youth to adulthood, this is a time when they need sage guidance and mature wisdom. I’m just hoping someone else is on hand to dole it out, because at the first warning against many of life’s risks and pitfalls, there’d be whispered murmurings about pots and kettles. And they’d be right. Because, while I hope I’ve instilled some good stuff along the way – treat others well, work hard, be respectful and don’t dare backchat the mamma – there’s a whole list of things that come under the “do as I say, not as I do” banner. 1. Tattoos: Three laser sessions later and I still have a long-regretted inking on my shoulder blade, a Chinese symbol for which I believe the official translation is “will be flipping sore to remove”. 2. Diet and exercise: By some genetic blip, both sons are athletes who stick to an impeccable nutrition regime and train every day. I’m on the couch with a packet of Monster Munch, using my Davina McCall DVD (circa Christmas 2012, still in wrapper) as a coaster for my Vimto. 3. Smoking: See previous “athletes” reference. Smoking disgusts them. Which is just as
DUM, dum, de dum. So do we believe the royal rumour that Pip Pip Pippa has omitted to invite Prince Harry’s girlfriend Megan Markle, and future brother-in-law Spencer Matthew’s girlfriend Vogue Williams to her forthcoming wedding for fear of being upstaged?
Surely not. But Pips, if it’s true, good luck finding a place for the anonymous gift of a custom-made plaque with the right royal ditty – Been There, Done That, Got The White, Button-Back Bridesmaid Dress To Prove It.
well because while I quit more than 10 years ago, at their age, my school dinner money went on a roll and chips and 10 Silk Cut. 4. Get sufficient sleep: Thanks to a combination of pressing deadlines and long-term insomnia, I have the demeanour of an extra from the Walking Dead. 5. Keep rooms tidy: On the surface, my bedroom is fairly neat. However, the avalanche that occurs every time a wardrobe door is opened should come with a health warning and a hard hat to prevent concussion. 6. Choose sensible, responsible friends: These are the exact opposite of the qualities I look for in a pal. This is why a recent gathering started with a cup of tea and a Bakewell tart and ended with a spontaneous booking for a weekend in Las Vegas to celebrate my 50th birthday. 7. Don’t make impulsive, rash decisions: See point 6. 8. Avoid credit cards and make smart financial decisions: The Vegas trip will be on my Visa bill until the end of time.
So boys, I realise that, just like Maw and Paw Beckham, there will be occasions where I can’t lead by example.
But perhaps I can make up for it with a few more important life lessons.
Don’t be judgmental. Accept everyone for who they are. And remember, nobody’s perfect.
Especially the chunky, unfit, skint, tattooed Maw on the couch, who has been up all night with her inappropriate chums planning to put the housekeeping money on red.