Usual dose of splutter nonsense at the Tory party cough-ference

SO THE Tory Party Conference turned into an episode of Mr Bean.

The stand-out moment was that bit where the mad comedian jumped up on stage. But enough about Boris Johnson.

Then the sign behind Theresa May’s head dropped an “E”. Watching it, I wish I had.

Aye, security at future conferences will be reviewed after prankster Simon Brodkin got close enough to the Prime Minister to hand her a P45.

Which also happens to be Theresa’s robot serial number.

The thought regarding the hall is they needed to lock it – the thought regarding May was she needed a Locket.

Tory MPs say they’re all behind her. Well, it’s the safest place to be with all the germs coming out of her gub.

May had to accept a lozenge from the Chancellor half way through it.

Don’t worry, she can claim it back on expenses.

Good job he gave her a sweet for her throat. Boris was about to hand her a noose for it.

BoJo, meanwhile, made a gaffe about Syria becoming the new Dubai. It’s unlikely he’ll be given the sack. As by the look of him, he already lives in one.

In response to it all, Theresa has called on the Tories to halt all their in-fighting and to do their traditional duty.

Rough translation. Stop attacking each other and start rounding on poor people again.

Despite this, the PM has promised to revive a plan to cap energy prices for 17million consumers, saving an average of £100 a year.

Giving money away must have really stuck in her throat. Back to that mad cough again.

People are now asking if May is the world’s worst leader. On a planet that contains Donald Trump that’s one hell of an achievement. The Donald finally JASON Manford has released his first album, which has led to other comedians entering the pop charts.

Personally I cannae wait for Frankie Boyle Goes to Hollywood, Jack Dee-Reem.

And my personal favourite, Kevin Bridges Over Troubled Waters. visited the hurricane-hit Puerto Rico this week. Though admittedly only when he heard the storm was young, vibrant and called Maria.

Then there’s Kim Jung-Un who’s had a soap named after him. Like KJU the person, it can wipe out any stains and pretty much any country as well.

As a tribute, Unilever plan on launching the product line Into the Sea of Japan.

Personally I wish they’d all get their P45. When it comes to describing that lot, I’m with the sign malfunction behind Theresa’s heid.

F off.