Commonwealth leaders look like bunch of proper Charlies
PRINCE Charles will become the new head of the Commonwealth after 53 heads of government agreed to his appointment. Charles was shocked. As it was the first time a member of the royal family had ever been elected to any position.
He’s not the only one having a shocker this week. Folk are refusing to donate to Katie Price’s London Marathon fund over fears she’ll pull out of the event again.
Which would be a nightmare as the front end of the pantomime horse would have to run the thing on its own.
To be fair, Katie may withdraw on safety grounds. It’s that hot down there, there’s a pretty decent chance she will melt.
Things aren’t much better for another famous Katie. A new stage musical titled The Assassination of Katie Hopkins has provoked an angry reaction from Ms Hopkins.
Producers have defended themselves, saying the title’s not meant to incite people to actually go out and shoot Katie. As the walloper does a solid enough job of that herself.
WWE wrestling stars John Cena and Nikki Bella have shockingly announced they’re splitting up, despite being engaged to be married.
It’s not known what will happen about the ring – presumably they’ll just scrap in it violently until they have reached a settlement.
Meanwhile, singer Pink has opened up about her home life, specifically her approach to parenting.
She claims being a mum affects her live work.
It’s true. These days when Pink sings Get The Party Started, she automatically comes on stage with a bouncy castle, chocolate cake and hunners of wee bags of Haribo.
It’s enough to make you turn to drugs, and horse tranquilliser Ketamine may SCIENTISTS have discovered a robot that can put together an Ikea chair in nine minutes. Sure thing. Now all you have to do is build the robot from scratch. Which should take nine months, 14 Allen keys and a masters degree in engineering. be the answer. Apparently, it’s shown real promise in the rapid treatment of depression.
This is brilliant news, unless you fall and break your leg while using it. At which point a vet will be obliged to put you down.
But maybe the biggest shocker this week was Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger stepping down after 22 years. His departure will be a sad loss.
Mainly to all those dafties who made the “Wenger Out” signs.
They’ll have to get a job now – or just spend most of their days Arsene about. Shockaroonie.
A three-year-old boy down south has had to be rescued by fire crews after getting a potty training seat stuck round his neck. The poor wean. On the plus side, the moment he got his head stuck, the wee man’s constipation instantly got cured.
The leading US actors’ union have said auditions should no longer take place in hotel rooms or homes. Yep, judging by how most directors treat actors, they should take place in a more appropriate place. Like a cattle market.
Facebook are to face court in America over their use of facial recognition technology. Facebook already use facial recognition technology at work. Apparently, it knows you work there if you have a permanently pure red one.