HE’S SENDING SEXY TEXTS TO OLD FLAME

Dear Coleen

I’VE been married for 10 years and my husband and I have two children. The other day I decided to pick up his phone while he was in the shower and I found messages between him and an ex-girlfriend he dated when they were at uni.

I was pretty shocked – they were quite sexual and he kept telling her how gorgeous she is. I knew they were still in touch and I’ve been out with her and his other university mates a few times.

When I confronted him, he was initially annoyed I’d checked his phone but then he simply laughed off the messages, claiming they were “just banter” and that they’ve always had that kind of jokey relationship.

Is it just banter and should I put up with this?

Coleen says

WHETHER he sees it as banter or not, it’s upsetting for you and I think most people in a relationship would find it unacceptable. Don’t let him make you feel like you’re the one who’s in the wrong.

I hate that phrase “just banter”, which implies that you have no right to object to it. People use it like a “get out of jail free card”, never stopping to think about the impact their words might have on others. Ask him how he would feel if you were sending sexy messages to an ex – I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t see it as “just banter” and would ask you to shut it down.

He’s behaving like a single guy. It’s a betrayal of you and your relationship and if he respects you and wants your marriage to work, then he needs to stop the sexy banter and prove to you that he’s committed to your marriage.