CAN’T MOVE ON FROM WIFE’S AFFAIR

Dear Coleen

MY WIFE had an affair with a colleague last year. We hadn’t been getting along and she eventually admitted it to me and ended the relationship with the other guy.

Naturally, I was shocked and hurt, but I also love her and wanted to try to repair things between us. To help me cope, I’ve been having therapy, but it’s not really helping in terms of how I feel about her and the affair. I’m resentful and have lots of unanswered questions.

Moving on from this hasn’t been as easy as I’d thought. I believe she’s sorry about what happened, but it’s not enough. We’ve been together for nearly five years and married for two.

Have you any advice?

Coleen says

I THINK you’ve taken a positive step in having counselling, but I think you need relationship therapy so she’s involved, too. At the moment, there’s only one side of things being talked about in the room, but your reason for going there is to find a way to work through your relationship issues.

If she’s committed to making your marriage work then she’ll agree to it. Affairs are usually a symptom and not the cause of a broken relationship and you might have to work backwards to discover why she was vulnerable to the affair.

It would also give you more confidence that she wants your marriage to work and she’s prepared to be honest about the situation. To move on, it’s important to talk about why the affair happened, even if it’s painful for both of you.

You can sweep it under the carpet and try to ignore it, but it’ll still be there.

In reply to the woman with two daughters aged 31 and 33 who constantly argue, I think childhood sibling rivalries often continue into adulthood and can even become worse.

I’m a 33-year-old man and have a younger brother, 31, so I can relate. We never got along as kids and had totally different interests, and it got much worse during our teenage years.

I’m still in touch with some of his old friends (whom he dropped) and he hates it. MM, address withheld