Brother’s cut me out of life after affair with pal

They had a baby but he refuses to be a dad to her

Dear Coleen

MY BROTHER had an affair with one of my friends, which they kept secret for years. My brother ended up having a daughter with her, and she asked me to be the child’s godmother without telling me she was my niece.

My niece was four years old before my friend decided to tell me.

I was upset and confused, so I confronted my brother. At first, he tried to deny they’d had an affair but, after much talking, he finally told me the truth – or so I thought.

He claimed they’d only had one encounter, which I later found out was not the case. I advised him to step up and take responsibility, and tell his wife about his daughter.

He did tell her and naturally she was devastated.

This situation caused chaos in our family and, three years later, my brother has made up with his wife and stopped talking to the entire family, and wants nothing to do with this little girl either.

He also has two young children with his wife and he’s completely removed us from their lives as well. He says I can’t see his children as long as I have contact with my friend and my niece.

I want to support them, not because I feel I have to, but because I love this little girl and none of it is her fault.

My brother feels I’ve chosen them over him and his family.

I’m torn and don’t know what to do. I don’t feel I’m in the wrong but maybe you can shine some light on things?

Coleen says

I DON’T think you’re in the wrong at all and I think that, deep down, your brother knows that. I think he’s struggling with guilt and he needs someone to project his anger on to – and it seems that person is you.

You advised him to tell his wife about his daughter which, frankly, is something he ought to have done voluntarily, and not waited four years to be talked in to. The bottom line is, he had an affair, he fathered a child outside his marriage and he needs to accept it’s a situation of his own making and one he should have dealt with more responsibly.

It’s a tough one. I’m sure you miss your brother’s kids and want to see them – but it’s wrong of him to ask you to make this choice.

If anything, he should be happy that someone from his family is developing a relationship with his daughter and wants to support her.

If communication between you and your brother has broken down, then why not write him an email and make your points – explain why you think it’s wrong to cut off your niece and your friend?

Perhaps you can reach some kind of compromise where you get together for family occasions and not talk about your friend and their daughter.

I’m hoping that in time, he’ll think differently, but maybe he’s trying to save his marriage and this is one of the conditions his wife has laid down.