We’re just 1560 miles off the top of Serie A
Scottish Football’s year in patter brought to you by the man behind @oldfirmfacts1
PLENTY can happen over the course of four months – big European results, high-profile managerial exits, 66.6 per cent of Angelo Alessio’s Kilmarnock career.
The year’s final third was dominated by departures from the dugout, with Paul Heckingbottom leaving Hibs, Alessio departing Kilmarnock and Craig Levein… well, he’s no longer the manager but he’ll never truly leave Hearts.
As the season got into gear there was plenty of tasty beef served up. The freshest cut was Tommy Wright v Amy McDonald but there was still plenty of flavour left in Levein v Michael Stewart.
Charlie Nicholas, meanwhile, took Odsonne Edouard to task for the heinous crime of…*checks notes*… not smiling enough.
All that and Stenhousemuir advertised their stadium hospitality with a picture of Manchester United’s stadium hospitality.
SEPTEMBER
JORDAN ‘WATP’ JONES has two facial expressions. The first is ‘I don’t understand’ and the second is ‘I’m angry because I don’t understand’. He deployed the second after a spectacular self-own against Celtic at Ibrox, when his challenge on Moritz Bauer not only saw Jones sent off but also resulted in a long-term injury – for Jones.
As fans protested outside Tynecastle with their team at the lower end of the table, beleaguered Hearts boss Levein insisted: “We’re just six points off fourth.” That’s a genuine quote.
He later added: “We’re also just 11 points off first and just 1560 miles from challenging at the top of Serie A.”
I can’t remember if that bit was genuine but it’s plausible.
Levein’s travails prompted the headline “Michael Stewart condemns Craig Levein’s insatiable thirst for power” and at Easter Road he was subjected to cries of “Craig Levein, we want you to go” from Hearts fans and “Craig Levein, we want you to stay” from their Hibs counterparts. Naturally, Hearts won.
Highland League side Fort William’s 1-0 defeat of Clachnacuddin was their first league win in 882 days. The feat went viral, with the story gaining national news coverage and the tweet confirming their win being retweeted 3300 times and liked by 20,800 people.
Could they maintain that momentum and put a run together? No, obviously.
Three days later they lost 4-0 to Buckie Thistle, with the scoreline being retweeted by a grand total of two people and accumulating eight likes. They haven’t won a league match since.
Clach’s attempt to bounce back against Turriff United went unrecorded by the cameras. According to the Highland League’s Twitter account: “This is due to the home side not charging the camcorder prior to the arrival of the videographer.” Yes, camcorder. Yes, 2019.
September also saw Heckingbottom sent off for kicking a water bottle at an assistant referee, an outburst that was completely out of character for the man who had to be restrained as he tried to confront a fourth official in April.
Quote of the Month: “The players were very up for it because there were comments from Dundee United when Lawrence (Shankland) went up there that he would get better coaching. They can feel free to send him down for a week and we’ll get him coached properly again” – Ayr United boss Ian McCall, on his side’s 2-0 win against Dundee United
OCTOBER
LIKE a permanent scowl and the body of a much younger man, October was owned by Danny Lennon.
Having subbed himself on at the age of 50 in August, the Clyde boss continued his Banter Year with a sensational BBC interview in which he said all of the following words: “I would bring back national service. There you go.
“Give me 20-25 kids and I would take them away to an island for five years where nobody could get access to them and then bring them back.
“If you watch a wee sparrow on a fence, its head’s on a swivel, it’s always watching for predators coming. It always knows where the defender is, where team-mates are.”
As Boris Johnson unveiled his new Brexit deal, First Minister Nicola Sturgeon claimed it was “hard to imagine a deal that would be worse for Scotland”.
She clearly hadn’t heard Gary Caldwell’s suggestion that he was “more qualified to do that (manage Scotland) than I am to manage Partick Thistle”.
Caldwell’s Firhill replacement Ian McCall quickly proved he’d bought into the Jags’ permanent sense of farce, turning up for training in a Partick Thistle jacket and… Ayr United trackie bottoms.
Armed Forces Day took place at Tynecastle in October. Jambo @jordanallison90 paid tribute to “Men and women willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of watching a Craig Levein team”. Truly selfless.
Ultimately it was Levein who was sacrificed, with Ann Budge wielding the axe despite a late intervention from Director of Football Craig Levein.
Quote of the Month: “We believe we can hurt Young Boys” – Steven Gerrard, on the Young Boys who went on to hurt him the following evening.
NOVEMBER
JACK ROSS became Hibs’ second manager of the year, or third if you include Heckingbottom.
Quote of the Month: “Jack off to standing ovation” – BBC Sport, on Ryan Jack being applauded as he left the field.
DECEMBER
THERE has been an eclectic mix of storylines so far in December. The
month’s first weekend was dominated by Alfredo Morelos failing to score a goal, and the following weekend was dominated by Alfredo Morelos failing to stay on the pitch after scoring a goal.
Fraser Forster’s Betfred Cup Final performance was essentially one long ‘Get it right up you’ to Morelos – and the Colombian striker replicated that gesture at Fir Park after being subjected to abuse from Mother well fans. Just like every shot he’s ever taken against Celtic, it didn’t end well.
Of course the month isn’t yet over but deadlines are deadlines.
Who knows what the rest of December holds but at the time of writing the one sure thing is that Alessio’s Kilmarnock revolution will continue into January and beyond.
Quote of the Month: “After the first one died I had to replace El Puffalo” – Rangers fan Davy Young on his vape kit