Stepdaughters cut me off when I left their cheat dad
RANTING WIFE IS MAKING US ALL UNHAPPY
Dear Coleen
I HOPE you can help with a distressing family problem.
Every day, a member of my household gets up and rants and screams for hours about things she imagines her husband is doing.
He isn’t doing any of the things she’s accusing him of.
By evening, she usually comes round and starts behaving in a loving way again but then, the next day, it starts all over again.
Can you provide some advice on how to handle this?
Coleen says
YOU don’t explain your relationship to this woman or how her husband is dealing with it. She’s obviously got it into her head he’s up to something, so has anyone tried having a calm conversation with her about why this is?
If her husband is refusing to engage with her or to explain how he feels, that may have something to do with her frustration – hence the ranting and screaming. She needs to get it off her chest.
I don’t know if you’re in a position to talk to him and explain how stressful it is at home, and ask him to step in. It’s really his responsibility and, as a couple, they have to talk about how they move forward.
At the moment, it sounds like she’s shouting and he’s just ignoring the issue.
It must be very difficult for you though. If you have to live there, all you can do is try your best to be a calming influence and try to get them both to see reason.
Counselling would be a far healthier way for his wife to deal with her anger and frustration – you could suggest it but it has to be up to her to make that choice.
Dear Coleen
I’M A woman in my early 50s and I divorced my husband nearly three years ago after he had an affair. We have two children – a boy and a girl – now teenagers, who live with me.
He also has two daughters from his previous marriage, who are both in their 20s and have left home, but I helped to bring them up and always treated them as my own. I loved them very much and still do.
My problem is, my stepdaughters don’t want anything to do with me since I divorced their dad. For some reason they blame me, even though he was the one who cheated. I’m sure he’s poisoned them against me.
I still send them cards and presents but I never get a reply or a thank you. I’ve also sent emails and texts, which go unanswered.
It’s heartbreaking as my kids don’t see them either and miss them.
My husband sees our two children now and again but I have to nag him into it. During the divorce, he fought to make sure he saw his kids frequently but now he doesn’t seem bothered.
He’s still so angry with me for walking out, even though I had good reason. Can you help?
Coleen says
YES, it’s possible your ex has said things to turn your stepdaughters against you and, naturally, they’ll feel more loyalty towards him.
Maybe they’re also hurting because they feel you walked out on them too, even though that’s not what actually happened. I’m sure you told them it wouldn’t mean the end of your relationship with them.
I don’t know if there’s someone else in the family who could mediate and speak to your stepdaughters on your behalf ?
You may have already written to them, explaining how you feel but, if you haven’t, then try that.
Let them know your door is always open and that you’re there for them if they want to get in touch.
All you can really do is let them know you love them, you miss them and you’re there for them – the rest is up to them, I’m afraid.
It’s a sad situation, but hopefully in time they’ll gain a more mature perspective on what happened and reach out to you.
Until then, focus on your son and daughter and forging a new and better life for yourself. Good luck.
REGARDING the teenage girl who’s clashing with her mum’s interfering boyfriend (Coleen, July 23), I’ve been a stepfather for more than 40 years and must say I think this guy is out of order.
He’s come into their family and should be befriending the children, not bossing them about.
They aren’t his kids, so he needs to earn their respect and affection. Name and address withheld
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I love them but I’m sure he’s poisoned them against me