Should I pick reliable man or exciting lover?

Dear Coleen

I’M a 30-year-old woman and have been in an on/off relationship with my boyfriend for five years.

He’s a great guy – stable, sensible, steady, caring – but I’ve felt more and more that something is missing from the relationship, hence the break-ups and make-ups.

Although I love him and care about him, he doesn’t excite me and our relationship can feel dull a lot of the time.

At the end of last year I started to get close to a colleague (I know it’s a cliché) and he’s the polar opposite – exciting, sexy, passionate, spontaneous – and I’ve really fallen for him. Since lockdown has eased, we’ve seen each other a lot and the sex is fantastic.

He comes with baggage, though – he’s 10 years older and is divorced with two young kids.

My boyfriend and I decided to take a break from each other to think about our relationship but I don’t know what to do. I have missed him and I know he’s right on paper but the prospect of going back into that relationship doesn’t thrill me at all.

My colleague, on the other hand, provides lots of passion and excitement but I don’t know if he’s a long-term prospect. The reason his marriage ended was down to him cheating with another woman.

I’m kind of living in the moment and enjoying it but can’t help this nagging fear about a future with a guy who seems to have commitment issues.

Coleen says

WELL, the fact that your relationship with your boyfriend has been on/off for so long doesn’t bode well for longevity either.

If you haven’t been able to work on your issues over the past five years, then what’s going to be different this time? What I would say is, it takes two people to make things exciting and fun, and all those other things you’re craving, but I wonder if you’ve taken the initiative or if you expect him to work miracles on his own.

You shouldn’t be with someone because they’re the safe option – steady and reliable – because you’ll always be looking for that thrill.

Maybe you really want to give things a proper chance with your colleague, but a fear of the unknown is holding you back.

The truth is, none of us knows how a relationship will go when we embark on it, so it’s always a risk.

The ideal is to be with someone who you feel passionate about and who is also reliable.

Trust and honesty are key, so maybe you need to be upfront with this new man about what you’re looking for in a relationship and see how he reacts. Maybe he’s at a point in his life where he’s ready for more commitment.

What you need to keep in mind is that all relationships are thrilling at the start but is there enough to sustain it long-term?

The only way to find out is to try it and see how things develop.