Sick of being treated like a slave by my lazy family

Dear Coleen

I’VE been married for 30 years and have a 28-year-old daughter who still lives at home. I’ve always kept everything ticking over, but these past few months with lockdowns and everyone being under each other’s feet in a small flat have been too much.

I make all the dinners and lunches, do all the housework and run around after my husband and daughter all day. I never once get asked if I’d like something cooked for me – even at Christmas they both sat there and watched me cook and do everything.

My daughter does nothing except lie on the couch all day, waiting for her dinners to be brought to her. She never takes in the dishes or washes them – in fact, she even complains that I’m noisy when I’m cleaning!

If I do ever ask for help, I’m being “passive aggressive” and get hours of the silent treatment or she’ll cry and complain that it’s not her house so she shouldn’t have to do anything.

My husband also thinks that grabbing my breasts and pointing to his crotch is going to make me feel attracted to him! It’s a complete turnoff and I feel completely unloved, yet apparently I’m the one who’s got something wrong with me. He also allows our daughter to say hurtful things to me and just laughs.

I’ve had so many years of this, I’m at breaking point. Can you help?

Coleen says

YOU know what, you sound a bit like me in terms of running after everyone, feeling aggrieved about it, yet not being able to say no and put myself first. I’m a lot better at it now, but only after I had counselling.

I remember I used to get home after a long and tiring day at work and there was never any milk, so I’d go out and get it every time. Then my counsellor asked me if I ever said anything about it and I said no!

She advised me to just stop doing it – I stopped buying the milk and if someone wanted a cuppa, they had to go out and buy the milk. I know that sounds like a small example, but it illustrates the mindset I was in that had to change.

Your daughter is 28, not eight, and if she complains it’s not her house, say, “Well, it’s not a hotel either and I’m not one of the staff”. She either starts respecting you and your home – and pulling her weight – or she starts looking for her own place to live.

My daughter is brilliant at this. She scares the life out of me and my boys because she just won’t stand for people not doing their fair share. She’ll hand someone the vacuum cleaner or a tea towel and tell them to get on with it.

Her attitude is, “We’ve all got stuff to do, but the house still needs cleaning!” whereas my default position is to scream in my head and do it myself. So I’m proud of Ciara because she’ll never be me! You need to stop clearing up after them and stop bringing dinners to the sofa – it’s as simple as that.

As for your hubby’s behaviour, you have to ask, “Do you honestly think I’d be turned on by you in any way when you’re happy to watch me run around here like a servant while you do nothing and let our daughter disrespect me?”

It’s most definitely not attractive.

I do all the cooking and run after them all day