Judgmental parents hate the idea of me getting wed
Dear Coleen
I’M a 29-year-old woman and I’m getting to the end of my tether as my parents are still constantly interfering in my life.
I recently got engaged and, instead of being happy for us, I got a massive lecture about going down the “traditional route” and giving up my “freedom and independence” like we’re in the 1950s or something!
My parents have never married and somehow think they’ve got the key to a happy relationship. They are actually quite judgmental of other people, especially me.
My mum even said, “It’ll be babies next and then you’ll really be chained to the kitchen sink.” This is my choice. I love my fiancé who, by the way is a great guy and doesn’t have antiquated views about marriage and a “woman’s role”.
I can’t wait to settle down with him, but my parents are making me feel bad about it.
I would love your advice on how I can get them to back off and stop being so thoughtless and hurtful.
I’m an only child, so there’s no one else to share the load.
Coleen says
DON’T let them interfere – it’s your life and your choice, and just because not marrying has worked for them doesn’t mean it’s not brilliant for other couples. We’re all different and if they’re so free and easy, surely that’s a concept they’re on board with. Being an only child might have something to do with their attitude – they’re about to “lose” you, which I know sounds dramatic, but some parents find it really hard to let go and accept their children’s choices.
I think the best approach is to stay calm and say, “I’m glad not getting married worked for you, but I’m happy and I can’t wait to get married. It would be nice if I had your love and support, even if it’s not something you’d do yourselves”.
Every relationship is unique. One of my sisters has been with her partner for 47 years and they’ve never married because it just wasn’t important to them and they didn’t want kids, but she was never miserable about the rest of us getting married.
As for your mum’s babies comment, I can see why you’d find that hurtful. Ask her if that’s what she thought when you came along.
I’m sure she’ll say it’s not how she felt at all and you were the best thing that happened to her, in which case your response should be, “Well, why don’t you want that for me?”
Because they never married they can’t see why I want it