It felt like medics used the Hubble telescope to do my colonoscopy
SCIENTISTS in the US have created the world’s smallest camera – the same size as a single grain of salt!
Oh, how I wish that piece of equipment had been available on Tuesday when I went for a colonoscopy.
Might be wrong, dear reader, but I’m sure they examined my bahookie with the Hubble telescope.
Two days later and I’m STILL walking about like Groucho Marx…
I’ve very grateful, though, especially at the time of a global pandemic.
Listen, at a charity event I hosted last week, the top prize in the raffle was a doctor’s appointment.
I had a wee scare with my “Simon Cowells” two years ago – the poo test at the time of my 50th birthday revealed traces of blood – and I was whisked into hospital where they removed four polyps (there’s a word I’ll never forget).
This week, the very talented Dr Simon Dover – oh, how I wish his parents had called him Ben – zapped one tiny polyp and gave me a clean bill of health (well, notwithstanding my varicose veins and morbid obesity).
And you know what? I make absolutely no apology for putting you off your breakfast by writing about the inner workings of my posterior as I simply want to remind every single Daily Record reader: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!
A free bowel screening test is available to everyone in Scotland from the age of 50 and, as I learned from my little episode in 2019, it could save your life. So, at the risk of repeating myself: GET YOURSELF CHECKED!
To be honest, the colonoscopy was easy-peasy.
As one of my pals joked, you only have to worry if the doc says” “Look – no hands!”
Another wisecracker suggested I
I simply want to remind every reader to get yourself checked
should lighten the mood by secreting plastic toys and Dinky cars up my bum. I also loved the patter from a couple of (ahem) well-wishers on my Instagram page. “All the best,” said Steve Inness, “just put it behind you and, on the hole, you should be fine.”
And I laughed out loud when a fella called Blair Allan dubbed me The Sultan of Broon-Eye. Sure, even under anaesthetic, the procedure was a wee bit sore – reminiscent of the time I caught my willy in my zip (after that eye-watering experience, ladies, I went back to wearing shoes with laces).
But if laughter really is the best medicine, I knew I’d be fine when I spotted the sign above the door that read ‘Endoscopy Procedure Area - No Unauthorised Access’…I hope so!!!
Tell you what, though, I wasn’t laughing the day before my colonoscopy when I had to clear out my system with TWO LITRES of laxative. Laugh? I was terrified to cough!
My panto pal Johnny Mac – brilliant as Buttons alongside Elaine C Smith in the King’s Theatre, Glasgow, production of Cinderella – reckons that opening night is “the best laxative in the world”.
Aye right. He’s clearly never tried the stuff they give you before a colonoscopy.
It’s called MoviPrep (orange flavour,
allegedly) and, boy-oh-boy, it could put Slimfast out of business. My advice? Make sure you’re never more than TWO FEET from a toilet pan.
Anyway, won’t go into too much detail (“You’re too late!” - Ed) but, if I can use a Christmas turkey analogy, you’re good to go when the juices run clear…
After Dr Dover had worked his magic, I was picked up at the hospital by my wife – having gone 24 hours without food and still woozy from the anaesthetic, I was unsteadier on my feet than Celtic striker Kyogo – and, absolutely STARVING, we drove straight to one of my favourite restaurants (Little Soho in Glasgow) for a double cheeseburger and chips. I actually fancied a curry but, after two litres of MoviPrep, it’ll be at least another fortnight before I go anywhere near a vindaloo.
PS. One more time, ladies and gentlemen… GET YOURSELF CHECKED! ● GOOD news for all us Coronation Street fans – the legendary Roy Cropper is making his comeback on the cobbles at Christmas.
After signing everything over to his niece Nina, regular viewers feared the cafe owner was away to South America for good.
Nah, no chance. He’d never be able to stand the heat in that anorak…