HE CHEATED BUT NOW HE RESENTS ME

Dear Coleen

I’VE been with my husband for 30 years.

We met when we were 25, and we have two grown-up children who have both left home.

My problem is, he had an affair a while ago and I took him back, but now I feel so miserable and the whole marriage is a sham.

He ended it with the other woman and I told him I wanted to try again and that I could forgive him in time, but it’s just not working out.

Basically, he resents me I think and there is no physical intimacy at all – no cuddles, no kissing, no affection of any kind, and definitely no sex.

Any ideas on what I should do and if we can save our marriage?

Coleen says

HE resents you? Well, he has no right to resent you for anything.

He had the affair and got found out. Don’t start putting the blame on yourself and don’t let him do it either.

If there were problems in your marriage he could have made the decision to address them, but he chose to cheat. So I think you’re at a point where the only way to work through it is to have counselling.

You need to say things to each other with a mediator there because it doesn’t sound like you’ve been able to actually talk about what happened in any meaningful way.

You’ve tried to carry on without acknowledging what happened and you can’t do that. You must find out why he resents you and why he had the affair in the first place.

You might have to accept that it’s not possible for you to stay together. It’s all very well saying you can forgive and move on but, the reality is, sometimes you can’t. Therapy can help you work that out.