Teens’ worst habits & how to cope with them
Is it just angst? Are our young people hardwired that way? And do we just have to be patient until they grow out of it? Lisa Salmon finds out
TEENAGERS can be annoying – to put it mildly. Almost any parent could regale you with endless tales of their own children that beggar belief.
But why do they do it? Because they’re asserting their independence, of course, but also, to put it bluntly, because they don’t care what their parents think, say the experts.
“Whether it’s helping with household chores, or sticking to rules, many simply don’t care,” insists Gill Hines, co-author of the teen parenting guide Whatever! (Piatkus, £10.99) and the young adult parenting guide Later! (Piatkus, £14.99). “They leave dirty plates all over the house, drop wet towels on the floor and act like you’re a nagging crazy person if you mention it.
“Your disapproval means next to nothing by the time they’re 14 except it may upset their material comfort.”
And Professor Suzanne Franks, co-author of the updated bestselling teenage parenting guide Get Out of My Life (Profile Books, £9.99), adds: “They want to mark out their independence and push away from the nest. But the comforting thought is that it will pass – and ultimately they’ll see parents as decent, interesting and well-meaning – instead of ignorant and infuriating obstacles.”
Here, Hines and Franks outline the galling things teens say and do (or don’t do)...
I’ll do it later..
Franks says: “One of the really annoying things is that when a parent quite reasonably asks them to help – pick up their dirty plates/glasses, or God forbid actually contribute to the household by emptying a dishwasher – there’s the irritating response, ‘I’ll do it later – can’t you see I’m busy?’, when they’re probably staring at a phone or similar.
“And then when later comes and they’ve still not done it so the parent angrily reminds them, there’s the response, ‘Chill out, I was just about to do it .... why do you always nag me?”’
Hines says teens no longer crave your approval: “Until 10 or 11, parental approval is the most important thing in the world, but by the time their brains are rewiring into a fully-functioning adult brain – which isn’t complete until about 25 – parental attitudes, opinions and advice is of no use to them at all.
“Imagine how you’d feel if an ex tried to tell you how to behave, what to do etc. Your world is not their world, only they live in their world and you might be allowed in sometimes, but you’re just a visitor.”
My mates can do it..
Franks says: “Another annoying topic is, probably unfounded, comparisons with others... ‘ X is always allowed to do that/stay out past midnight/has access to money etc’.”
Other examples are “I want to live with X’s parents, they care about her”, and ‘If X (sister) asked, you’d say yes’, suggests Hines, who says: “If they know you sometimes worry about your parenting – perhaps they’ve heard you talking to other parents – this may become an area of weakness to be picked at.
“Parents who had very difficult relationships with parents in their youth and have talked to their young person about it may well find their child has no qualms about using it to score points as in, ‘Sometimes
you sound just like grandma’.”
Answer your phone..
You can tell teens to have their phone on and the battery charged before they go out – and still they don’t answer when you’re trying to find out where they are/when they’ll be back. “The inevitable much later response is, ‘Sorry I never saw your calls/there was no signal/ my battery ran out’, which is probably completely untrue but difficult to prove,” she observes.
I hate you..
Teens can also say hurtful things from the brutal ‘I hate you’, to the callous ‘Tell someone who’s interested/who cares’, or the hard-done-to ‘You never listen even when I do talk’.
“Sometimes this is quite a learned behaviour,” explains Hines. “Parents often criticise their children, and most teens see this as deliberate cruelty on the part of the parent, therefore their own cruelty is justified.”
But she points out that when angry teenagers act like this without provocation, it should always be discussed later, as it’s not acceptable behaviour.