Big news I’ve been scared to share

I’VE had a complicated relationship with the truth for the past few months.

Do I want to go out for a drink tonight? Hmm, no, not feeling too well. Why do I look a bit pale and peaky? Must have been something I ate.

You may have guessed it already but, no, I don’t have a drinking problem and food poisoning would have been a welcome alternative (at least it only lasts for a few days!)

My fellow columnists and I have talked you through the biggest moments of our lives these last few years, from engagements to weddings, birthdays and sad days.

I’m very happy to say that I’m past that wonky first trimester of my first pregnancy – but honestly, it’s been a slog hiding the big news from family, friends and colleagues.

Those first few weeks of elation and excitement, terror and constant trips to the bathroom were coupled with an anxiety I’ve never really felt before; about minding my own business, and keeping others out of it.

As a journalist who occasionally writes about her own life, I don’t find it hard to spill the beans – but from the moment I saw that first positive test, I was worried that people would judge me if I shared the news so far off the 12-week mark.

“Oh, but something I could go wrong,” I heard in my head. “What if you have to un-tell them the next day?”

Of course I told a few people close to me, unable to get away with a total social blackout. But I found myself lying at nights out, telling fibs around the office – and I couldn’t help but wonder why I was bothering.

When you think about it, the concept of keeping it all a big secret until 12 weeks is a little bit sexist. Because heaven forbid you have to tell someone you’re going through a hard time if things don’t go to plan…

Let’s face it, those first few months aren’t easy. And yet women are constantly told to stick to this social norm and made to feel silly if they want to talk about their tiny bundle of joy sooner.

Why can’t we shout from the rooftops with joy, even knowing that our happiness is precarious for a few weeks? Why would having to say the word “miscarriage” be the worst thing about suffering one?

I do regret bowing to that pressure, believing the ridiculous notion that I was somehow “not pregnant enough” to tell people yet.

Of course, there are plenty of mums-to-be who would rather wait until they’re ready to pop before uttering the “p” word and they have every right.

Regardless, I’m happy to share the news now – and I’m sure you can imagine what I’ll be writing about on this very page for the next few months.