Text jokes of the week
● Apparently, the new Queen is a man! It’s PC gone mad.
● What’s all the fuss about changing the sovereign’s face on our money? In London, 80 per cent of the banknotes already have Charlie on them.
● All England international football matches have been postponed for a year to allow the players time to learn the new words of the national anthem.
● I’ve updated my toilet etiquette this week. I now go for a Charles the Third instead of a Richard.
● Wetherspoons say they won’t be affected by the energy crisis. Customers will stay warm by walking to the toilets.
● So, £120million spent on the Glasgow Queen Street station redevelopment and they forgot to put the Burger King back in. A national disgrace.
● I recently discovered I was adopted as a child by a man called Daz. He’s my non-biological father.
● I wasn’t convinced by the sign in my local pet shop saying, “Pedigree Netherlands Cats For Sale”, so I went in and asked the assistant: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”
● To pep up our sex life, I swapped our bed for a trampoline. My wife hit the roof.
● Archaeologists in Egypt have found a mummy adorned with ancient nuts and wrapped in gold foil. They think it may be the legendary Pharaoh Rocher.
● I was taken aback last night when my wife yelled: “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!?” What a way to start a conversation.
● I’m opening a new restaurant called Peace & Quiet. The kids’ menu is £250.
● I have a Polish pal who is a sound technician. And a Czech one too. And a Czech one too.
● Joined a nudist colony last week. The first couple of days were the hardest.
● Just bought a 65-inch, 4K telly for £30. The volume button doesn’t work but, at that price, I couldn’t turn it down.
● If I had a pound for every time someone called me stupid, I’d have £12.50.
● My pet lizard can raise itself up on its hind legs and tell jokes. It’s a stand-up chameleon.
● I was in Morrisons and spotted Batman & Robin shampoo. I can’t believe they didn’t have any Conditioner Gordon.