Text jokes of the week
● American singer 50 Cent has announced he’ll now be known in the UK as 1 Pound.
● If Jesus was a Tory, would he have tried to feed the 5000 with a single 70p bag of oatmeal from Tesco?
● I’m chilling with the wife tonight. I’ve switched off the central heating.
● On the ferry to Ireland, you can now
use the toilet and pay later. That’s pee & owe. ● Before we get to November, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat triangular Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone.
● WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone, so I’ve downloaded something called The Bugs Bunny to fix it. It’s a WhatsApp Doc.
● A guy in the bookies yesterday asked if I wanted the winner of the next race. But I politely declined as I’ve only got a small garden.
● My dad always says an apple a day keeps the doctor away. And it must be true because he’s been on a waiting list for the last five years.
● My neighbour was crying while mowing his lawn, so I asked him if everything was okay. “I’m fine,” he sniffed. “I’m just going through a rough patch.”
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The man who invented throat lozenges died last week. There was no coffin at his funeral.
● My four-year-old son has been learning Spanish for a few months and he still can’t say “please”. Which I think is poor for four…
● My wife asked me the other day if I had seen the dog bowl. I didn’t even know he could play cricket.
● I went to a psychic last week and, when I knocked on her door, she said: “Who is it?” So I left…
● If you’ve got a problem with mice at home, try using WD40. It won’t get rid of them but it does stop them squeaking.
● Phil Oakey was the lead singer of 80s pop band The Human League, but nobody ever mentions his sister, Carrie, who invented bad singing in pubs.
● I bought a packet of those animal-shaped cookies last week and I had to take them back to the shop. The seal was broken.
● TV trivia: did you know that Magnum PI only solved 3.14 crimes…?
● After deciding to throw out all my Burt Bacharach LPs, I just don’t know what to do with my shelf.
● Ornithologists in Peru have discovered that local owls hunt in pairs. They’re Inca hoots. ● The doctor told me I have low blood pressure, so he’s given me a prescription for two IKEA self-assembly wardrobes.
● My actor friend has been cast for the leading role in a silent version of Oliver. “I’m ecstatic!” he said. “I couldn’t ask for more.”
● Sex before marriage is considered a sin. After marriage, it’s a miracle.