Being super sensitive can be a superpower
With heightened sensitivity to sights, sounds and emotional cues, one in five UK adults is thought to be a Highly Sensitive Person. But what does it mean? Hannah Jane Walker shares her story
As HAnnAH Jane Walker sat in a cafe at a mother and baby group, she felt a burning urge to leave.
“The other parents were competing with each other, talking about how brilliant their baby was and how stylish everything was,” said Hannah, 41, a writer who lives with her archeologist husband Oscar, 50, and their sevenyear-old daughter. “It was making me panic, so I left.” Taking her daughter, she ran out of the cafe – leaving the pram behind with her house keys in it.
“They must have thought I was odd but all I could think about was getting away.”
Hannah ran home, where Oscar let her in. After she had calmed down, she went back to retrieve the pram.
Hannah is a Highly Sensitive Person, or HSP, meaning she can get overwhelmed by her reaction to other people’s feelings and behaviour in social situations.
“I’m very sensitive to the dynamics between different people and good at spotting people’s ulterior motives,” she said. “Sometimes I feel things so keenly that it gets completely overwhelming and I need to leave.”
The term highly sensitive person was coined in the mid-90s by psychologist Elaine Aron.
An HSP is sensitive to the dynamics between people and often to hidden subtexts that others aren’t aware of.
“They pick up on other people’s feelings and what’s going on in their environment in a lot of detail,” said HSP and BACP-registered psychotherapist Lina Mookerjee.
“It can be enriching and can enhance relationships but it can also be tiring as there is more information to process.”
It’s thought one in five people in the UK are highly sensitive, although they may not know it, and there are some high-profile HSPs, including actresses Jane Fonda and Nicole Kidman, and former Strictly dancer Camilla Sacre-Dallerup, who cited the condition as one of the reasons she left the show.
“I needed to find a life for myself where I could be comfortable,” she said.
Hannah – who discovered she was an HSP at 38 – can relate. Indeed, highly sensitive people can be overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights or strong smells. “I’m affected by things like strip lights and get migraines easily,” said Hannah. “If I’m somewhere where there are a lot of bright lights or visual clutter, I have to make sure I have downtime to recover as it’s overwhelming.” For her, it dates back to childhood. “At school I was a magnet for people who were having a hard time because I was very sensitive,” she said.
“My parents needed to stay with me at parties because, although I was having a great time, I’d get upset if anyone was left out.”
In her 20s and 30s, she struggled. “I’ll always remember trying on my wedding dress,” said Hannah.
“I don’t know what went wrong but when I tried it on, it was clearly too big for me. The seamstress looked so hopeful, she’d clearly worked hard on it. I couldn’t bring myself to tell her I didn’t like it, so I said thank you and paid. On my big day I wore a £30 high street dress instead.”
For years, Hannah thought there was something wrong with her.
“I’ve always felt problematic, sometimes ashamed, and the way I’ve responded to certain situations over the years has been difficult,” she said. “For a long time, I thought it was just me.”
But when her daughter was four, the penny dropped. “At parties, while all the other children were playing, she would be helping the children’s entertainer, or comforting a child who was crying. I thought, ‘Oh no, she’s just like me’.”
Hannah threw herself into research and read about HSP. She said: “From then, I was determined my daughter wouldn’t ever feel how I had – I wanted to change the narrative so she’d see being an HSP as a positive.
“And there are huge benefits. If you look at workplaces, HSP helps with staff retention as they’re good at noticing who is struggling and helping them. Often HSPs are good at helping ease situations that require cooperation.”
Hannah began to see how it could benefit her personal life, too. She said: “I’m a writer and produce radio documentaries. It’s useful being sensitive in my job because I can feel something keenly and describe it. I also have some really good meaningful friendships.”
But revealing her relationship with her husband has taken work, she said: “Sometimes I’ll ask Oscar how his day was, and he’ll tell me it was fine. But I want to know all the emotional details. We’re very different and have had to work on understanding each other.”
Having a diagnosis has helped Hannah. She said: “If you’ve always felt like your sensitive nature is a problem, you try to cause as few issues as possible. I’ve learnt how to express my feelings kindly instead of focusing on how other people feel.”
Now armed with knowledge about being an HSP, she’s determined to be a supportive mum. Hannah said: “Sensitivity is a superpower and I want my daughter to know that too.” ●Sensitive: The Hidden Strength of Sensitivity and Empathy by Hannah Jane Walker (£9.99, Octopus) is out now.
‘‘ I’ve learnt to express my feelings kindly and not focus on how other people feel