TEXT JOKES OF THE WEEK

● Following the success of the Willy Wonka-themed exhibition in Glasgow (yikes!) the city council have announced a 28 Days Later event on Sauchiehall Street.

● My landlord wants to talk to me about my high energy bills. I told him my door is always open.

● Does anyone know how to give up dressing like a pirate? I tried patches but they only made it worse.

● What’s the difference between a barrister and a barista? About £900 an hour.

● My wife says she’s leaving me because she thinks I’m obsessed with astronomy. What planet is she on?

● Engineers have just made a car that can run on parsley. Now they’re hoping to make buses & trains that can run on thyme…

● I think I might apply for the new series of Embarrassing Bodies. One of my testicles is bigger than the other three.

● Most of my relatives are police marksmen. Apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

● I stayed in a hotel in Yorkshire last week. When I asked where I could find towels, I was given directions to a bird sanctuary.

● Remember, ladies, the worst thing a woman can hear from another woman when she’s wearing a bikini is “good for you”…

● I never use Virgin Airlines. Who wants to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

● A Dire Straits fan has donated a huge collection of rare French impressionist and Eastern European artwork to a local museum. They got the Monet for nothing and the Czechs for free…

● The US government has confirmed its first moon landing in 50 years. “The craft is upright and able to communicate,” said an envious Joe Biden.

● Turns out we were all wrong. The Earth is neither flat nor round. It’s f **** d.