TEXT JOKES OF THE WEEK

● Not one to miss a commercial opportunity, Celtic will mark the retiral of goalkeeper Joe Hart with a special DVD in collaboration with Bonnie Tyler. It’s called Totally Clips Of Joe Hart.

● Nothing quite makes you sh**e yourself like a two-litre plastic bottle of Coke popping back into shape 20 minutes after you last touched it.

● Security at every level of the airport is insane but only until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s take any bag you want!

● Walkers Crisps have announced that, after 74 years of production, they’re just about to finish their first sack of potatoes.

● I’ve just finished treatment for my obsession with the band Free. I’m alright now.

● Albinos. You can’t say fairer than that.

● Samuel L Jackson has just passed his driving test. From now on, he wants to be known as Samuel Jackson.

● What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.

● My drummer pal has got twin daughters. He calls them Anna One & Anna Two.

● I finally found my wife’s G-spot. Turns out her sister had it.

● Congratulations to Hugh Zappritti Boyden on his role as chairman of the British Budgerigar Association…

● I’m going to Greenwich next week. Any suggestions for what I should do in the Mean Time?

● Wanted: Jimi Hendrix lookalike. No experience necessary…

● I ate at the new Mary Poppins-themed restaurant. Super cauliflower cheese but the lobster was atrocious.

● My uncle died doing what he loved the most. Surprising tigers.

● My neighbours keep telling me my house is haunted. What a load of rubbish. I’ve lived here for 274 years and I haven’t noticed anything strange.