The love guru’s guide to dating

With divorce rates on the up among the over 50s, relationship expert and star of Married At First Sight, Paul C Brunson, reveals how you can find lasting love – whatever your age

ACCORDING to the Office for National Statistics, 41 per cent of married couples have divorced before they reach their 25th wedding anniversary. It seems that finding The One is harder than ever nowadays. And this is especially true for the over-50s.

Indeed, while the number of divorces each year is gradually decreasing in general, this demographic is seeing a spike, coining the terms “silver splitters” and “grey divorcees”.

Paul C Brunson, author and relationship coach on TV shows Married At First Sight and Celebs Go Dating, offers an explanation. “The reasons why someone got married 30 years ago were different to why people marry today,” he said.

“Back then, people had bigger ‘villages’ around them to fulfil all their needs: friends, parents, grandparents. Nowadays we’re looking for complete fulfilment from one partner.

“We’ve also become more aware now about what being in a healthy relationship actually is, and we can identify when we’re not in one.”

However, in order to find that healthy lifelong relationship, you first need to navigate the world of dating – which can be daunting, whether you’ve been single for ages or find yourself on the dating scene for the first time in years.

Here Paul shares his advice for finding real love that lasts.

MEETING PEOPLE Before you begin…

The number-one factor in ensuring you’ll have a high satisfaction relationship is both parties having high levels of personal wellbeing. Determine your wellbeing by asking yourself the following… do you have strong relationships? Do you feel in control of your time? Is self-acceptance there? If you don’t have a good sense of wellbeing you’ll look for someone to fill a void, and you’ll be more susceptible to toxic relationships.

Don’t dismiss dating apps

Matchmaking apps and websites aren’t just for young people. Online dating is still the numberone way to meet people, and stats show that outside of Gen Z, the second most active demographic on dating apps is the 50-plus group. This is because at this age you see a lot of separations, people with empty nest syndrome, maybe even widows or widowers.

Also those aged 50 and over tend to have a smaller social circle than younger people, and so the internet becomes the number-one outlet for meeting people. It’s more effective than hoping to find a new love at work or in a bar.

cultivate your interests

Have you decided that online dating is really not for you?

Another way of increasing your chances of finding love is to pick something you’re passionate about and become exceptional at it.

This will increase your “social capital”, expanding your network and making you stand out to potential partners. For example, if you love singing, perhaps you can take some lessons, join a choir and take part in local performances – this will make more people want to get to know you.

THE FIRST DATE Don’t go for dinner

So you’ve hit it off, swapped numbers and arranged to go on a first date.

Don’t automatically book the most romantic restaurant in town. Yes, really, I think going for dinner on a first date sucks. It takes a long time to get ready for, it’s costly, you can’t gauge body language, and then you proceed to interview each other while chomping on food.

Instead, why not take a walk together, perhaps to or from a coffee shop?

You can see the person’s entire body, talking while walking side by side is unthreatening and there’s much less pressure, which will help to alleviate any first-date nerves.

This allows you to evaluate two key things: are you actually physically attracted to the person, and are they actively listening? That’s enough to know if it’s worth going on a second date.

‘‘ Be curious about the other person, what do you genuinely want to know?

ask genuine questions

Worried about awkward silences? Don’t come armed with a mental list of opening lines or funny anecdotes. This isn’t your authentic self showing up. Instead, simply be curious about the other person. What do you genuinely want to know about them? People used to say that confidence equals sexy; I say in 2024, curiosity equals sexy.

Don’t worry if you have different interests

So you love Richard Curtis romcoms but you discover that your date prefers horror films? This does not mean it’s an immediate write-off.

Data shows that interests are fairly insignificant in a relationship.

Values are important – for example, maybe you both appreciate creativity – but if you like pop music and they like hip hop, this doesn’t mean anything.

it’s not always about ‘the spark’

Hollywood will have you believe that it should be heart-stopping, butter-flies-in-your-stomach love at first sight, but if you’re worried that you haven’t immediately swooned, consider other definitions of “spark” aside from physical attraction.

Is there an instant desire to know more about this person? If the answer is “yes”, then this is a good sign. This is far more important than infatuation.

THE NEXT STAGE Talk about sex

You’ve been on a few dates, it’s going well and you’re ready to take things to the next stage – but this can be a nerve-racking prospect, especially if you haven’t been intimate for a long time. What if they do it differently? What if their “vanilla” is your “wild”?

It’s important to have discussions about sex early on in your relationship, however awkward this may initially seem, and ensure that emotional intimacy is there first.

The higher the emotional connection, the better the satisfaction around sex. When you look at why people have unsatisfactory sex, there are often external issues at play, such as anxiety or insecurities.

introducing your new partner

Having your new love meet your family and friends is a relationship step not to be taken lightly. Your family is like your treasure, and people have to earn it. The right time to make these introductions is when you feel safe with a partner, when they’ve proven their integrity and when you trust them. For some, this could be weeks – for some it could be months.

And it’s best to make these meetings outside the home. Your home is sacred and may have lots of memories attached. Instead, suggest meeting up in a neutral zone like a park or a coffee shop. ■■Find Love by Paul C Brunson (Happy Place Books, £16.99) is out now.