TExt jokEs of thE wEEk

● In the past year, it’s believed that 75 per cent of cash payments were contactless. Just like Rangers’ penalties.

● Peter Andre was stunned this week when his music helped a woman regain her speech. Her exact words were: “Turn that f ***** g sh*te off!”

● Runners in the Beijing half-marathon have been accused of deliberately slowing down and waving the winner through to victory. Much like the Scottish Premiership.

● Did you know that boxes of Swan Vesta are produced in Exeter? So that means that this is a match made in Devon.

● Police in Airdrie this week stopped a car and were amazed to find it was taxed with a full MOT and insurance. It wasn’t stolen and there were no drugs or weapons in the vehicle. The driver was sober and had a clean licence. So he was fined £100 for wasting police time.

● My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday. That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

● Strange new trend at our work – people are putting names on food in the office fridge. What’s that all about? Today, I had a tuna sandwich called Linda.

● If anybody wants to sponsor me, I’m doing a 10-yard run to raise awareness for laziness.

● I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work. Thankfully I was at work!

● Restaurant manager: “A table for 26? But you said there were only 13 of you?” Jesus: “I know but we all want to sit on the same side.”

● While cooking dinner last night, I accidentally rubbed some herbs in my eyes. Now I’m parsley sighted.

● God created childbirth to give women the chance to experience what it’s like for a man to catch a cold.

Just think, if it wasn’t for that nice man who discovered electricity, we’d all be watching television by candlelight.