TEXT JOKES OF THE WEEK
● It was alleged this week that Rangers player Fabio Silva had a bust-up with coach Alex Rae after the win against Kilmarnock and punches were thrown. Apparently, Rae missed with the punch, but Silva went down anyway… then the ref came in and awarded Rangers a penalty.
● 80s singer Enya has bought her own rugby union team. Their next three fixtures are Sale (a), Sale (a), Sale (a)…
● The winning jockey of the Kentucky Derby, Brian Hernandez Jnr, turned down a dinner invitation from Donald Trump. As he explained: “If I wanted to stare at a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.
● I used to be addicted to swimming, but I’m happy to say I’ve been dry now for six months.
● Don’t believe what you see in the cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face. Don’t ask me how I know this…
● Life is like a box of chocolates. Finished too quickly by the morbidly obese.
● Gandalf came into my shop earlier and asked if he got any money off for having a big stick. I told him: “Sorry, no staff discount.”
● When I was younger, my body was a temple. Now it’s a bouncy castle.
● I thought I’d hate this programme about DIY disasters. But now I’m glued to my TV.
● My brickie mate heard he’d won the lottery and he got such a shock he fell into the cement mixer. He’s now set for life.
● Scientists say they can’t decide if the underside of an elephant is its chest or its torso. It’s a huge grey area.
● How lazy is my best pal? He got a job as a door-to-door salesman and asked if he could work from home.
● Captain Hook: the first man to sail around the world single-handed.
● My mate decided to tell me he’s gay in the middle of a thunderstorm. I thought: “What a daftie, coming out in weather like this.”
● Clothes too dirty to put back in the wardrobe but too clean to go in the wash? Welcome to… The Chair!
● I was raised by a pack of wild hyenas. Times were tough and food was scarce but, boy, how we laughed.