TEXT JOKES OF THE WEEK
● An iceberg as big as the Isle of Arran has broken off from Antarctica. Offering a rare glimpse of how life used to be, the Isle of Arran is just off the west coast of Scotland.
● I’m playing cricket later against my local fish & chip shop. Their fielders and bowlers aren’t very good but their batter is brilliant.
● My kindly neighbour is a retired plumber, so I asked him to look at the condensation problem in my kitchen. I’ve told him the kettle’s always on.
● See when you drop something? I take it I’m not the only one who tells it to f*** off before picking it back up?
● I saw Lee Majors on telly the other night. He looked a million dollars. Boy, he’s really let himself go…
● Received a text from my wife saying she was breaking up with me. Imagine how relieved I was a couple of minutes later when she texted: “Sorry, wrong number.”
● Put my mobile under my pillow last night and when I woke this morning it had been replaced with a £1 coin. Must have been the bluetooth fairy.
● I think the lady in my local bookshop used to work in McDonald’s. When I bought Hugh Lawrie’s autobiography, she said: “And would you like Fry’s with that?”
● Right come on, Sean Bean. It’s either Seen Been or Shawn Bawn, you can’t have it both ways.
● The key-ring: a brilliant invention that allows you to lose all your keys at once.
● Did you know there are 18 different species of hamsters? To find out more, go to xhamster.com