Telly haunted by ghastly presence
SO, Halloween TV – trick, treat or tripe? I suspect you’re ahead of me.
Celebrity Haunted Hotel Live was so dull it would have made a poltergeist weep.
It was filmed in “Britain’s most haunted village” – Pluckley, Kent – with various shameless micro-celebs desperate for screen time.
The scariest moment came when coins dropped from a barn ceiling. How spooky it would have been if Justin Moorhouse hadn’t been caught on camera chucking them.
Somehow participants kept straightfaced throughout, even a certain Cold Feet star who solemnly recited “I John Thomson of Manchester call upon the spirits of Pluckley to…”
I didn’t catch the rest, but I suspect it was either “give my agent a good kicking” or “ask if I really need the money this badly”.
The usual nonsensical claims of ghostly “orbs” – insects caught in TV lights – were intercut with alleged psychics, self-proclaimed witches and a “moonologist”. Someone should have mooned her.
Emma Kennedy claimed she had felt someone with small fingers touch her knee – out of habit, Donald Trump denied it. Richard Arnold was said to have “had a few experiences” (that Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN could explain his TV career). Even the eerie background music sounded more like a haunted ice cream van than anything vaguely blood-chilling.
The show was a pale imitation of I’m Famous & Frightened, which had bigger names and better orbs (two of them attached to Linsey Dawn McKenzie). Seriously, Crossroads was scarier.
Still, it must have inspired thousands of viewers to investigate “the other side” – Sky, Fox, ITV…any other side would have done.
EastEnders, where the horror never ends, had people trick or treating in broad daylight. If they’d really wanted to terrify us they’d have just had Aunt Babe do a striptease.
C4 did Halloween best with Derren Brown Presents Twisted Tales, essentially a creepier Beadle’s About – Beadle’s A Bastard maybe.
The victims, set up by their loved ones, were tricked into believing they were dining with a cannibal killer or had just been chatting with a ghost.
It made you wonder if Derren has been tutoring Crackpot Caz on Corrie.
ITV2 didn’t do much for Halloween. To get their scares they just look at the viewing figures for The Xtra Factor.
CELEB Haunted Hotel should have booked Gloria Gaynor. Imagine: how was it for you Gloria? “First I was afraid, I was petrified…” WHAT to make of Nigel Farage Gets His Life Back? Kevin Bishop’s impression of the on-off Ukip leader was passable, but the material was ropier than Nigel’s lime green corduroy trousers. You’ll have seen funnier party political broadcasts. Still, it did raise a couple of big questions. Like, why bother attacking Ukip when they’re doing such a good job of tearing themselves apart? And aren’t there bigger targets worthy of funnier jokes? For example, Citizen Corbyn, dithering Theresa May, slippery Keith Vaz… Or even Brussels? The EU has been riddled with corruption for years yet I can’t recall TV comics mocking our actual ruling elite – or the judges and failed politicians still trying to prop it up. But no. For the Beeb and their toothless satirists the end of the world is Nige.
This feeble script said more about their prejudices than anything else – that bog-standard BBC contempt for Englishness, for folk who don’t share their assumptions and, above all, for the millions who voted Leave. HUMANS and Emily Berrington (right)…Donald Glover, Atlanta (Fox)…Claire Foy, The Crown (Netflix). EDUCATING Joey Essex…Dark Angel – murder most dull… Celebrity Haunted Hotel Live – the night of the living brain dead.