Let’s breathe a scythe of relief
BOLTING horses, candlelight curses and Elizabeth a-writhing and a-screaming in bed...
Just like she did nine months earlier with Ross.
Yes, Poldark is back. Hurrah! But make that a muted hurrah because the good Captain has yet to chin anyone or leap between the sheets with someone he shouldn’t. He didn’t even take his shirt off.
No bit on the side or on the scythe – however will his female fans cope?
We’ve lost Jud Paynter too. His wife Prudie says she misses the old rascal “like a ruptured spleen”, a slur which as I’m sure you’ll agree, t’int right, t’int fair, t’int fit and t’int proper.
Instead two old codgers were a-dying and Elizabeth was giving birth. Insert your own Call The Jud-wife joke here.
It was like an 18th Century version of Casualty – or as they call it in Cornwall, Casualty.
The series opener was brimming over with superstitious tommyrot, all “dark moon” bad omen mumbo jumbo, like a naff edition of This Morning. All is not lost, though. Lashings of passion Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday, 10 Lower Thames Street, London EC3R 6EN could relight the show’s fire. Demelza’s hunky brother Drake already has the hots for Morwenna, the new governess.
And ’tis a fair bet that Poldark will go postal on someone soon. George and Cary Warleggan, two complete and utter bankers, are both eminently punchable. Grumpy Uncle Cary is blinding, though. His dislike of Elizabeth, “the brood mare”, and Geoffrey Charles – “the Poldark brat... two words: boarding school” – liven up the show no end. Cary fails to see the menfolk’s fascination with George’s missus. Me too. It’s not like Liz is Caroline or that floozy from the Red Lion. This third series poses big questions: 1) Is baby Valentine’s dad Ross or George? Duh! He couldn’t be more Poldark if he’d sprung straight from the womb with a scythe and a six-pack. And dishy Demelza knows it. 2) So will the fiery redhead go looking for a revenge shag? The Poldarks may be reconciled, but Ross constantly neglects her. 3) Will Ross get it on with brunette Elizabeth again (he marries red, but prefers to pole dark). 4) Can Geoffrey Charles and Aunt Agatha undermine George’s fiefdom of insecurity, snobbery and malice? And finally, we’ve already seen “fine gent” Ross fight, smuggle and ravish. How high can he raise the stakes and still keep his fan club? GABRIELLA Wilde, Poldark...Mark Stanley, Broken... Naomi Watts, right, Twin Peaks (SkyAt)... The Americans (ITV Encore). RIVIERA – Cote d’Azzzure...James Acaster – he’ll never be as funny as his clothes...The Loch – ITV drama’s latest loch-up...Wife Swap: Brexit Special, left. DID anyone else see Karen Taylor on EastEnders and think “blimey Britney Spears has let herself go”?