Sugar chumps faking useless
COLIN the pig’s wasted death on Celeb Island; I felt for that poor dumb creature (Pete). The fake drama of X Factor’s Six Chair Challenge. The pretence that Have I Got News For You is “satire” rather than so-so light entertainment. CATHERINE Southon was talking about prices on Bargain Hunt when she said: P.Smith of Keighley wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
WE knew the women were doomed on The Apprentice as soon as we heard the words: “We’re on the wrong island!”
The days the show pretended to involve “Britain’s brightest business brains” are as forgotten as the Amstrad E-mailer.
The contenders look like Made In Chelsea rejects now. This year’s bungling clots include a jobless extra, an actress and an estate agent.
Big-heads and braggarts abound. Camilla, the Poundland Katie Hopkins, insisted: “My goal is worldwide domination”.
Sian claimed to be “the Beyoncé of business” (isn’t that Beyoncé?).
Ñerdy Alex boasted: “I’m like a cash machine. If you push the right buttons I will give you money.”
While motivational speaker Kayode bragged: “I don’t just grab the bull by the horns, I get him in a headlock and then squeeze every opportunity that comes out of him.”
The only thing he could squeeze out of a bull would be brown and smelly – and you’ll find more of that here than on the Anna Creek cattle station.
Fakery engulfs the show like Irish mist. Its opening credits say Canary Wharf, but it’s shot in West Acton. Sugar’s actual boardroom is in Essex.
And of course, real-life entrepreneurs ITV’s tribute to This Morning included Kerry Katona’s slurring calamity, Josie Lawrence’s hair catching fire, and Gino cooking stark naked – hot sausage, stale buns from memory.
We got Richard Madeley’s barking Ali G impression, the live Viagra trial – way too flaccid – and the Chippendales’ dirty dancing that aired just before Rainbow. Less Zippy & Bungle, more an Unzipped Bungle...
ITV wisely swerved paedo weatherman Fred Talbot. Here are seven other highs and lows (mostly lows) they forgot:
1. When Keith Chegwin tearfully revealed his alcoholism, Judy Finnegan told him: “Well done Keith, that took a lot of bottle”. Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN are renowned for looking hot. Think Philip Green, Richard Branson, Lord Lloyd-Webber...hunky, eh girls?
Sugar, who increasingly resembles Nookie Bear crossed with a walnut, sent them to Valletta in Malta to pick up nine local items.
It was more a shopping trip than a business challenge. In real life, the blokes would’ve Googled “octopus with 40in hose” and found it was a scubadiving mask rather than blowing £35 on a real one, above.
Former Shameless star Sarah Byrne, inset, was the stereotypical Brit abroad. Hunting for honeycomb, when locals couldn’t understand her Sarah
2. Richard asking a stalker: “So Jane, when did you first realise that you were quite clearly mad?”
3. Richard’s chair collapsing underneath him live on air. just got louder: “You know, ’UN-NEECOMB? Yum, yum...” (Also answering the age-old question: how do you make a Maltese cross?)
“I’m not getting fired today,” the gobby menace insisted minutes before Sugar gave her the old Maltese Falc-off. Little was seen of global dominator Camilla. Or David who said he might resemble “a cuddly bear, but if you cross me I’ll knock your stuffing out!” He looked like he’d struggle to knock the rice out of a stuffed zucchini. Or suck the collagen out of Sarah’s lips.
The only business The Apprentice involves is showbusiness.
4. Gene Pitney’s miming disaster.
5. Holly Willoughby’s gift for goofs. Favourites include Holly on Gino’s food: “Once it’s in, I love it.” And asking a mindreader: “Can you just stay behind and do me?”
6. After giggling over a couple who practised tantric sex, Phil Schofield uttered the immortal words: “Still to come...”
7. Judy admitting: “I’m no stranger to thrush.” MAGGIE Gyllenhaal, The Deuce, right... Shan, X Factor... Succession finale...Killing Eve...Trust. THE Big Audition, left – don’t call us...The Cry – the most tedious waste of an hour this side of the Wanderlust two-hander...AHS: Apocalypse – a crock-of-p*** now.
‘I don’t like going down this much but I will if I have to’
ON Blindspot a stunning brunette was found naked in a hold-all in New York’s Times Square – now that’s what I call a body bag.
Only tattoos preserved her modesty. All around, blokes were mentally un-inking her.