A bellyful of dodgy dates
VINCENT Simone was talking about Faye Tozer and Giovanni Pernice on Strictly: It Takes Two when he said: D.Warner of Leicester wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em coming to the address at the top of the page.
PIERS Morgan stood up to Alastair Campbell on Good Morning Britain. The arrogant, puffed-up loudmouth gets away with murder, thought both of them.
HOW To Get A Good Night’s Sleep? Try watching this seriezzz.
CALL me old-fashioned but I can’t help thinking Celebs Go Dating would be better with actual celebrities.
Sam Craske got off to a worse start than Spain did. You know him from Diversity, don’t you? Me neither.
“I met Diversity,” said the first hot woman he tried to charm. “I met the cast. I met Perri...I don’t remember seeing you.” Awks.
Vas J Morgan (no idea) is apparently a fashion guru. He’s such a div – sorry, so stylish – he wears a towel around his neck in the bath. If Vas were any more laid back he’d be laid out in a shroud.
Then there’s Alik Altus from Made In Chelsea. The show has Olivia Bentley and Sophie Hermann, yet E4 recruit a whining, squinty-eyed Yank?
That’s like having your pick of the Slater women and going for Big Mo.
Ex-Sugababe Mutya Buena is better known. Don’t let the barbecue skewers through her cheeks put you off like they did Jordan, who turned her down for a date. Mutz has standards.
“I like a man who looks like he washes,” she said, setting the bar for modern romance high.
Love Island’s Olivia Attwood plays by different rules. “I need to find someone I’d actually, like, f***” she confided.
Olivia, whose pins now look thinner Email me at: garry.bushell@ dailystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sunday,
10 Lower Thames Street, London
EC3R 6EN than Theresa May’s survival chances, got pie-eyed on her first date.
She burped, gagged and turned the air bluer than Dot Cotton’s varicose veins. Her shallow would-be suitor Tobias still gave her 10...in the obvious hope of giving her one.
Harpo Marx lookalike Eyal Booker divides opinion – is he dishy or drippy or both? “I’m looking for someone with a heavy flow,” Eyal said. He meant of chat, but feel free to insert your own gag here.
I like Chloe Sims, she’s the third bestlooking Chloe on TOWIE. But her heart wasn’t in it. She sulked round the mixer event under a personal rain cloud.
She turned her date with Aussie spark Harry into a job interview, grilling him about whether he wants kids and how many Sheilas he’d slept with...then got the hump when he asked her the same.
“I’m looking for my soulmate,” she moaned. “Anything else is a waste of time.” Maybe you’re looking in the wrong place, babes.
CHLOE says she just likes people who are funny. Shame she never met Doddy. With her lips and his teeth they could have bred Ghoulies. KERRY Condon, right, Women On The Verge... There She Goes...Nabhaan Rizwan, Informer. THE Bisexual, left, – bye viewers...Most Haunted – 16 years and still no ghosts... Gordon, Gino & Fred – Flop Gear...Family Cooking Showdown – half-baked.
‘Look at the way Giovanni takes her from behind. She reacts to that like a proper Italian...lovely hip action’
I PREDICT a happy ending for Hayley on EastEnders – she goes into labour but doesn’t give birth. Instead John Hurt’s alien bursts out of her belly and devours Jean. Picture the terrifying look on Shirley’s face! (She won’t be there, I just mean her normal expression. When Shirl dresses up for Halloween how can you tell?) SHIRLEY Ballas pronouncing seven as “sheven”. Eyal Booker, a grown man on a kid’s scooter. TV’s continuing war on men. Unacceptable levels of propaganda disguised as drama. The “Who’s texting Sharon?” plot on Enders. Who cares?