‘Noel as Caesar…this is going to be glorious’
Benidorm GOES TO HOLLYWOOD
JUST when you thought I’m A Celebrity couldn’t get any madder, in waltzed Noel Edmonds in a toga!
“Hail the emperor,” cried the campmates. “Hail and rain,” quipped Noel in the drizzle. “Hale And Pace,” said no-one at all.
Imagine that, Noel bossy, bonkers, powermad... and now he’s Caesar too. This is going to be glorious. He’s already wound up Barrowman. Before then the biggest shock was Fleur East declaring: “I’ve never been so excited to see balls flying at my face”. You can think she was talking about her Dingo Dollar challenge if you like. Rita Simons broke wind so loudly in the dunny they could hear it on the bridge... in Sydney Harbour. And Harry Redknapp had them in stitches with his stories, not to mention wild talk of sausage sandwiches and Mr Pastry (ask your grandad). Harry should know what it’s like putting his hand in a box full of spiders and cobwebs. He did it for years with the Spurs trophy cabinet.
Ant must be relieved. He’ll keep his job. Holly’s a safe pair of hands, and a cracking pair of legs, but she’s Dec’s straight woman here. The show runs like a well-oiled machine. It’s torture in the name of light entertainment. The vainer the star, the bigger their ego, the more we cheer as the cockroaches cascade down. Barrowman is 51, has a toy cat and refers to himself as an icon. He has it coming. But seeing Anne Hegerty pushed to tears wasn’t comfortable. You’d have to be a sadist or a TV producer to enjoy that.
Her Asperger’s is no surprise, but who knew Anne snores like a warthog and gets out of bed with the grace of a ballet-dancing hippo?
Nick Knowles gave her a hug and his pillow. I’d have been more impressed if he’d DIY SOS’d a bungalow. Fleur is fab, despite arriving in a bin-bag. Emily’s funny. I felt for her on her back whimpering in a pit full of vipers (that counts as foreplay on Game Of Thrones).
It must’ve brought back memories of dating Sean(n) Walsh.
Rita channelled the spirit of Poxy Mitchell to announce: “As long as it fills a hole it’s all right.” Yes, but what about the food, Reet? IN his trial, Barrowman had to hold his breath and go down for 10 stars…there must be a joke there somewhere.
PS: How long before Noel sues the producers for nicking his Gunge Tank concept? Veni, Vidi, Gotcha.