Flakes are in a dead­En­der job

Daily Star Sunday - - FRONT PAGE -

KAREN was talk­ing about her mixed breed Jack Rus­sell and pug dogs on Em­bar­rass­ing Pets when she said: S.Mered­ith of Liver­pool wins £35 for that howler. Keep ’em com­ing to the ad­dress at the top of the page.

THERE are so many mys­ter­ies on EastEn­ders it’s “doin’ my ’ead in”. Why didn’t any­one ask what Roxy Mitchell was do­ing in the jun­gle?

She’s sup­posed to be push­ing up the daisies, not jerk­ing around with a cock­roach up her jack­sie.

No-one asked Kat what Ire­land was like...and nat­u­rally she’s ne­glected to men­tion that her lost son turned out to be a psy­cho­pathic killer priest.

Why do so many Wal­ford res­i­dents romp in khazis (Mel and Ray, Max and Fi, Mar­tin and Stacey...)? Talk about bog-stan­dard sex.

When did lit­tle Tommy have his head trans­plant? Where does Ian Beale’s fire es­cape lead to? Di­rect to the sev­enth cir­cle of Hell, maybe.

His restau­rant is ground level – the exit is 20ft lower. There are no steps lead­ing back to street level.

It was dark when Billy “Lonely Loins” Mitchell walked back to the party with a case of beer, so how was THEY had Painted Wolves on Dy­nas­ties.

I’m not sure who painted them, but they were ugly enough to win a Turner Prize.

No won­der they’re en­dan­gered

– they’d have to be skunkdrunk to mate.

The sto­ry­line was grim, gory and grip­ping – al­most Shake­spearean. Black­tip and her pack hounded her mother Tait but over-reached, los­ing cubs to hye­nas and crocodiles.

The soaps should pinch this. Grant Mitchell’s kid comes back to Wal­ford, drives out Phil and comes un­stuck.

Two things ir­ri­tated. Wild an­i­mals don’t have names. And At­ten­bor­ough claimed they were “one of the last great fam­i­lies”. How does he know? He loves a bit of spin doesn’t he? Email me at: [email protected] dai­lystar.co.uk or write c/o Daily Star Sun­day,

10 Lower Thames Street, Lon­don

EC3R 6EN there still nat­u­ral light in­side the Slaters’ doss-hole? Why is no-one ill when there isn’t a GP in the cast?

We might also ask why, if the whole pub can de­bate rape, does no reg­u­lar char­ac­ter ever ad­vo­cate the re­turn of the death penalty for the Square’s many mur­der­ers?

EastEn­ders boasts it re­flects “real life”. But the writ­ers – snowflakes to a man – ac­tu­ally use the scripts to ham­mer home their own prej­u­dices.

The ref­er­en­dum re­sult in­fu­ri­ated them so much that The Vic ran an EU-themed sup­per club week...like no known pub in east Lon­don.

Drama should re­flect the way the world is, even if we don’t like it. If it cel­e­brates life as we’d like it to be then it isn’t drama. It’s just pro­pa­ganda.

When Ju­lia Smith and Tony Hol­land cre­ated EastEn­ders, it gen­uinely cap­tured a sense of the old East End.

Char­ac­ters like Den and Angie Watts and the Fowlers felt as real as Marie Lloyd or John L Gard­ner, as did Frank Butcher and the Mitchell bruvs (when they were me­chan­ics, not semi-vil­lains).

I’m not sure who we’re sup­posed to like now. Al­fie was al­ways a wide boy but run­ning a rip-off funeral plan tar­get­ing hard-up lo­cals is plain wicked.

They’ve even started on the past, with a re­cent sto­ry­line sug­gest­ing Char­lie Slater was com­plicit in Kat’s abuse. Mis­ery rules, OK.

The idea of a char­ac­ter mak­ing a suc­cess of their life through hard work never oc­curs to them. JES­SICA Biel, right, The Sin­ner (BBC4)... The Marvel­lous Mrs Maisel (AmPrime)... Dare­devil (Net­flix). HOW To Spend It Well At Xmas, left – start by swerv­ing this old tat...Dave’s Ad­vent Cal­en­dar – piti­ful... The X Fac­tor fi­nal – end of an er­ror... For­ti­tude – bonkers. DANNY Dyer sur­prised many Have I Got News For You view­ers. For starters he was in a suit and no-one was call­ing him “the ac­cused”. Some ob­jected to his ac­cent. “Who’s this posh bloke?” said a Mr Ray­mond Win­stone of Homer­ton.

Oth­ers hated his swear­ing, al­though when Dan sug­gested a snooty Times let­ter writer should “f*** off” he won me right over.

He strug­gled with the Au­tocue but sent him­self up glee­fully claim­ing he’d been “stock­pil­ing pies, fags and peni­cillin”.

Dyer had some good gags, in­clud­ing the claim a Dutch Shep­herd dog was “like a Ger­man Shep­herd but with a more lib­eral at­ti­tude to drugs”. Mer­ton dis­liked him so much he didn’t mug to the cam­eras once. VE­G­ANS. The BBC com­edy Stasi re­fus­ing to let us see re­peats of It Ain’t Half Hot Mum and The Good­ies. Peo­ple who com­plain about sex on TV but watch it on catch-up. News­night’s de­cline. OTT sound­tracks that treat us like tod­dlers.

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