Bushell ON THE Box

EastEnder Deano’s dating Gaffe

A RETIRED marine has set a new world record for the longest plank.

For the shortest planks see Celebs Go Dating... or, as I like to call it, When Idiots Collide.

Step forward Dean Gaffney, the former EastEnders star who was frequently out-acted by his dog.

Deano hit the “mixer” like a pound shop Don Juan, impressing almost nobody. Meeting Liver-bird Louise, the nitwit quipped, “Do you like chicken?” in the worst Scouse accent this side of John Bishop.

He told a puzzled woman from Devon, “Get off of my land” in a voice that was more Larry Grayson than Littlehempston. Honestly, Wellard had more sense.

But even when he got “pied off”, the Walford Romeo just shrugged and said: “Obviously a Corrie fan.”

This is TV’s best dating show. It has Rob Beckett’s hilarious voice-over, cringe-making encounters, Olympian levels of delusion and the presence of

Tom Read Wilson, a man who makes Clary sound butch.

Tom was impressed by James Locke, gasping: “I’ve heard the rumours about Lockie. But by golly, nothing quite prepares you for all that girth in the flesh.” Blimey.

Lockie is cockier than a poultry farm, but this was his chance to look sophisticated. Oh dear.

“It’s full of fanny in here,” he said, like he was auditioning to play Jack Harper from On The Buses. Malique from Hollyoaks was as charmless as he was shameless. The female celebs were better value.

Amy Childs may not be the brightest crayon in the pack, but at least she brought a rhyming catchphrase: “If he don’t dazzle he won’t be seeing my vajazzle.”

What would Deano’s be? “If I make a pass don’t think I’m an arse.”

Posh beauty Liv Bentley just wanted “a bit of rough”. Will she go from Made In Chelsea to Laid In Essex?