Hi-de-Hi! Su’s no sous chef

THERE might have been worse cooks than Su Pollard on Celebrity MasterChef, but none readily springs to mind.

Her cabbage was sour, her spuds were lumpy, she put bunches of thyme in her meatballs and her gravy was “really bitter”.

Oh, and her roast chicken looked like a scene from a slasher movie.

Yet incredibly, Munya Chawawa, right, got the chop first.

He’d committed the lesser sins of dishing up rock-hard fondant potatoes and raw lamb – which Gregg “The Egg” Wallace still ate.

We might have been outraged on his behalf if we’d had half a clue who he was.

Pollard is the oddest celeb here. She was on Hi-de-Hi! (unlike Bez, who’s been hi-de-hi for most of his life) and has never left her sitcom character Peggy behind. Being a professional scatterbrain seems an unusual life choice, although in fairness it works for Boris.

After failing a simple cheese test, Su also survived show two, courtesy of her juicy pear – careful – rice pudding.

Rita Simons got elbowed, despite her eye-watering spicy jerk. Her rice stuck together more than Roxy

Mitchell’s legs ever did. Remember the early Sleb MasterChef series with Matt Dawson and Nadia Sawalha? Well, this is nothing like that.

Introducing the contestants, Gregg shouted: “But can they cook?”

Um, didn’t that used to be the entrylevel requirement?

Blue’s Bluto lookalike Duncan James seems solid, but brilliant Bez could still be the wildcard winner.

His food might be a bigger mess than the Happy Mondays’ Jelly Bean, but it tastes terrific.

Even if Su loses, her kitchen career isn’t over. She’d be a shoo-in for one of TV’s oddest formats – Worst Cooks In America. All she would have to do is emigrate. Please.

I MUST get my ears checked. I completely misheard Rita when she said she’d “sack off the egg...”