For better, for far, far worse

WOODY Allen claimed his parents stayed together for 40 years “out of spite”.

The gruesome twosome in Marriage don’t even have that going for them.

BBC One’s gloomy portrait of wedded bliss centred on Ian and Emma, who got along like two peeves in a pod. God, it was tedious.

Alfred Hitchcock said that drama was life without the dull parts. Stefan Golaszewski’s script delivered the opposite.

“Highlights” included an escalating row about a jacket potato. There were silences and sideways glances, petty squabbles, Ian’s festering jealousy…

Sean Bean and Nicola Walker worked hard to inject chemistry into a humdrum formula.

But it only livened up when James Bolam was on screen as Emma’s meanspirited, manipulative dad.

Or when Adam, their adopted daughter’s git of an agent/ boyfriend, was being obnoxious.

Richard Sharpe would have sorted him out, but Ian was just borderline creepy, hanging about the receptionist at his gym like the stench of old sweat around an unwiped rowing machine.

You found yourself wishing it was on ITV just for the brief relief of the adverts. If marriage boils down to finding that one special person you want to irritate for the rest of your years, then George & Mildred did it much better.

The show needed a Pinter to bring it alive. Or at least a couple of pints…

We were asked to believe Marriage accurately reflects real life. If it reflects yours, maybe now is the time to get a hobby, join a monastery or form a functioning government. Someone needs to. ODDS-on this inspires a spate of equally dull commissions. Maybe a series mixing fly-on-the-wall footage with the DIY/lifestyle… 24 Hours In B&Q.

Or how about 24 Hours On An A&E Trolley? Eight three-hour episodes about a semi-conscious OAP abandoned in a corridor.