Calamity Kat’s wedding farce
IN a week of sombre reflection and majestic grief, EastEnders did the unexpected – it made us laugh.
As geriatric love machine Phil Mitchell got set to marry Kat, the writers threw gags around like confetti.
Big Mo burst out of a giant wedding cake saying: “I wouldn’t miss my grand-daughter marrying a Kray Twin, would I?”
Like Bake Off on acid, it was. But at least no-one had to sample her soggy bottom.
Kat telling Phil nothing would stop their marriage was funnier.
Cue multiple disasters.
Her wedding car was “a brokendown slapper mobile” – apt, really.
Alfie turned up wearing the same shirt he’s had since 2002 and got her stranded on his clapped-out canal boat. He wanted a reunion, but that ship had sailed… unlike the boat.
Desperate fishwife Sharon made a play for Phil, calling Kat “a gold digger”. He owns a backstreet garage, luv, not
Halfords. The soap’s pet agendas were here – all men are bastards, yawn, Mo claiming she’d almost got it on with Fat Pat in 1963, an image that’d turn Binnie and Della straight.
Small joys included a well-judged tribute to the Queen, Mo giving odds on a Kat no-show and near-mute barmaid Tracey declaring Phil was “the best sex I ever had”. Hey Trace, get out more.
Mitchell has been on a longer journey than the royal coffin. A recovering alkie and crack addict, with four marriages and two close escapes, he goes in and out of chokey like a prison laundry van.
Yet somehow Kat views Phil as “security” for her family… baffling.
The great stud has bedded Kathy, Denise, psycho Stella, Mel, Lisa, Rainie and Shirley, who still looks sweet sixteen – in dog years.
So how come he’s never hit on Honey?
Shazza’s gutted. Don’t fret, treacle. You’ll get him back. Give it ’til Xmas.
SHARON now! Is she on Matt Lucas’ diet? She’s half-woman, half-pout.
WALFORD mysteries: Why does Freddie call Jean “nanny”? She wasn’t Little Mo’s mum!
Is Kat’s “triangle choke” anything like the Singapore Grip?
How was there a “downstairs” on Alfie’s Nauti Buoy canal boat?
And what explains 72-year-old Kathy Beale’s looks, monkey glands or sorcery?