Barbie fans are flaming crazy

WE love a barbecue and it’s big business – the UK grill market is worth £2.8billion.

We’re expected to spend £260million on BBQ essentials this summer.

Why? Talk about seeing your money go up in smoke. No thanks, not for me.

When it comes to grilling cheap meat in the outdoors I’m very much bah-bq humbug.

Every year I forget how much I hate it, until I’m daft enough to agree to one.

Last weekend the sun was out, I’d had a few cold lagers and my wife suggested having friends over.

I said, ‘OK.’ What an idiot.

As soon as I opened the infernal grill I regretted it. It was coated in grime, mould and spiderwebs that had infested it since the last time it was used.

I spent a fortune on it, but it’s used even less than my gym membership.

Then there’s the prep – down the shops to buy food and booze (5kg of coleslaw too much?) that ends up costing as much as a monthly shop. Marinate the chicken, make the salad, prep the garden, clean the effing house...

And for what? For a bunch of freeloaders and their snotty, ungrateful kids to eat for free and wreck your house. As for the cooking, when should I put the chicken on? Is it cooked through? Will that sausage land me in A&E?

Some vegetarian always hands me some halloumi and walks off… halloumi burger drenched in meat fat coming up.

In a flash, the food – mostly charred and tasteless – is gone and I’ve not even had a bite of an E.coli-laden hot dog.

But it’s OK… there’s 4kg of coleslaw left to slap on my stale bun.

The clean-up is another chore. The house looks like we hosted Glastonbury and the BBQ is covered in so much grease that I’ll need to get in those people who clean up dead bodies to sort it.

In Australia, South Africa and the southern US the weather suits cooking outside – but it’s not for Dudley on a p**s-poor British summer’s day.

Don’t get me wrong, if you invite me to one I’m all for it – I’ll even bring my kids.

But as for me hosting another? Do you think I’m stupid? Though to be honest, it was lovely to hang out with pals in the sun. See you next bank holiday!