BACK in October I finally plucked up the courage to tell a dear friend that I fancy him.
I honestly didn’t expect him to feel the same way, but he did.
We were so happy, but both admitted that there might be problems as we had other partners.
The next time we met up, we made love and it felt so natural. We said “I love you” and I was elated.
But now I’m in a difficult situation. I’ve finished with my partner, only my lover says he can’t finish with his because she won’t let him go and is making things difficult.
I get this. No-one said it would be easy. But surely he should be putting me first?
I’m twiddling my thumbs while he admits that he and she are still sharing the same bed. MY guy’s always been deeply unfortunate.
If I’m honest, I’ve only stayed with him all this time because I’ve felt sorry for the poor old soul.
If someone is going to be attacked, ripped off or sacked, then it’ll always be him.
During the seven years we’ve been together I’ve tried to stay onside because I believe that everyone deserves a chance in life.
But ours hasn’t been a very smooth or happy relationship and now we’re estranged again.
Six weeks ago I told him that I felt used. We weren’t talking, going out or having any kind of fun. I accused him of only wanting me for food, cash and sex.
He lashed out that I was completely mad. I stormed out of the house and am now staying with my sister (again).
Predictably, he’s now started asking me to come home again because he’s lonely and bored.
But why should I keep bailing him out when he does nothing for me?
When we first met he made me laugh. He overwhelmed me with attention and compliments and I felt special when he was around.
I thought that we could build a future together. But he then lost a series of jobs. His friend broke into our flat and stole his car and some cash and he got on the wrong side of a local gang.
When I begged to understand what was going on with him, he blamed bad luck.
But is anyone actually that unlucky in real life? How come nothing is ever his fault? I really don’t understand what he wants from me any more. He talks a lot about new plans and fresh starts, but there’s never any action.
I want a normal relationship with someone who is serious about being a fully functioning adult. How do I make him understand that?
JANE SAYS: Your friend is having cold feet and is attempting to let you down gently.
He’s your part-time lover and likes you very much. But he’s not in love with you.
You had a flirtation, you made love and muttered those three little words. Now the dust has settled, he realises that he loves his current partner more than he loves you.
If he plans to stay with her, then that’s for life presumably. Don’t waste any more time. You need to get on with the business of making your own plans.
Set challenges for yourself and start accepting that you and he will never be. He might be lovely guy, but there are lots of lovely guys in this world. JANE SAYS: Luck is an extremely loaded word.
Perhaps if your estranged bloke didn’t hang around with undesirable people and worked a bit harder then he wouldn’t be quite so unlucky? Just saying…
Sadly, he doesn’t seem to know how to conduct a relationship. He doesn’t understand about giveand-take, romance or respect.
At the end of your relationship he had stopped trying. He was no longer prepared to make any effort for you and just took what he wanted i.e. the cash and sex.
Clearly you’re a very caring person who is prepared to look for good in others, but your relationship didn’t work then and it won’t work now.
You tried to improve your exboyfriend’s life but he has his own way of living and his own agenda. Never let him, or anyone else for that matter, use you again.
Tell him, now, you’re sorry he is lonely, but you have moved on.
You took a chance on him, but now you must put yourself first. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for him or giving in to guilt. Be reassured he will survive and his future isn’t your responsibility.
You can’t stick with someone because you feel sorry for them – that’s no basis for a mutually respectful adult relationship. You’re worth much more than this.