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I’VE been banned from my girlfriend’s house because her parents came home early from their holiday and caught us making love in their bed.
Her dad went bonkers and chased me down the drive, while her mum screamed like a Halloween witch.
Now my girl is saying I’m no longer invited to their place at Christmas and I can forget the six-month work contract an uncle was going to give me in the new year.
I’ve sent her mum an apologetic text, but they’re still not backing down. I find this so hypocritical as she got pregnant with my girlfriend at 16 and married a year later. I’m 22 – what do they think she and I get up to together?
EVERYWHERE I look there are people bragging about their brilliant sex lives.
From the porn on my phone to my workmates who never stop going on about how many times a night they do it, I can’t help but feel I’m being left behind.
The truth is that my girl and I have lost our sexual mojo. We just don’t click any more.
I still love her as much as ever, but there’s no denying that the light has definitely gone out of our relationship.
We’re now down to a couple of times a month – and even then we give it a miss if one of us is feeling tired or ill.
Kinky
The problem is that we know each other so well that we’ve got love-making down to the very basics. These days our routine is like sex by numbers.
I can go through the motions with my eyes shut and I’m sure she regularly fakes her orgasm just to get me off her quicker.
I miss the passion, the excitement and the fireworks. I work in an exceptionally boring job and I often browse online sex shops and admire the kinky outfits and naughty toys.
I’d love to try them. Yet I’m too scared to suggest these games to my girl, in case she thinks I’ve gone nuts or I’m a pervert.
A few nights ago we were out with a huge group of old mates. There was a lot of booze on tap and the conversation got round to sex. At one point I distinctly heard my girl declare that she and I are just as frisky, naughty and adventurous as ever.
This is just a blatant lie and goes to prove that she’s clearly deluding herself just as much as I am, which is really sad as we’re only in our early thirties.
JANE SAYS: The bottom line is that your girlfriend’s parents can say and do anything they like in their home.
You were caught having sex in their bed – what did you expect them to do? Jump for joy?
Apologise, in person, to your girlfriend’s parents for acting inappropriately and embarrassing them. Take round a bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers.
Explain that it was never your intention to shock them and that you accept you let yourself down.
They may still ban you from the Christmas table and work contract, but you have to be clear in your mind that you’ve done everything you can to make things up to them. JANE SAYS: Clearly your partner is just as bored and frustrated as you are.
You and she are still making love on a semi-regular basis, which is great, but no-one ever said that you had to settle into a boring sexual routine. Talk to her away from the bedroom and simply level with her. Tell her that you desire her as much as ever but would love to please her more.
What can you do to inject a bit of passion and life back into your sex life? Does she fancy a naughty weekend away somewhere? How about a few date nights?
Pencil in some early bedtimes complete with sex toys and new games if she’s interested.
You may find taking full intercourse off the menu for a time and indulging in dressing up, role playing and the reading of erotic fiction gets your juices flowing too. Ultimately, vow to keep an open mind and go for it.
The key here is to give yourselves plenty of time to experiment, push back the boundaries and get to know each other all over again.
Don’t be too taken in by the boasts of others. Your macho colleagues may like to give the impression that they’re rutting all night, every night, but people exaggerate and lie to make themselves sound and seem better.
How about finding a new, more challenging job too, to add even more excitement to your life.